Argyle Rhymes With Gargoyle

Remember when Avian Influenza (Bird Flu Virus) was a big deal? What the hell happened with that? I mean, it was the primary focus of news for WEEKS- a constant barrage of pictures and videos displaying Asians with masks covering their mouthes while surrounded by piles of dead chickens. The media unrelentingly pounded it into our heads that within a matter of months we would all be caged indoors hiding from this virus, that even at the current time it was risky business to be leaving your home to go to work and perhaps a deadly mistake to consider taking public transit. Riding New York City's subway was basically knocking on Jack Kevorkian's door.
But then it all disappeared.
Poof.
Over.
How does a potential global killer, of biblical proportions, just...vanish? Did the beef industry make the profits it sought? Had Big Oil gotten their Christmas bonus? Did the government gain a little more control by ostracizing us from each other just a LITTLE bit more?
Who knows.
But I do know this: people still don't realize our media's foundation is a fabric constructed of fear. Whether this fear is a proven method to keep viewers hanging on until the end of the program, or an elaborate conspiracy to keep us in line- it's not likely to change any time soon. So maybe we should all take a break from the Bin Laden and Bird Flu stories, and go BBQ with our neighbor. After all, aren't they the one that actually knows where you live?
'Insert "Pscyho" knife stabby music'

Speaking of BBQ, today was an epic day of many proportions, and portions alike.


For starters...


...I decided to shave my face.
After 8 years I was extremely curious as to what my chin looked like. Apparently it's a little cleft?
Weird.
I think it also makes me look like I'm 12.
Creepy.


Valerie promised she'd still love me, even if it looked stupid. I think she has a thing for 12-year-old boys.


Then we went shopping with Zak, which resulted in the purchase of a small, but still manly, grill.


Today was the day we would attempt to eat as many animals as we could.


We sat around drinking...


...waiting with nervous anticipation...


...for the grill to heat up.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #1 AND #2

Chicken Cordon Bleu.


A delicious blend of lightly battered chicken wrapped around ham and swiss cheese...I couldn't be happier that these animals were killed JUST for me.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #3

Scallops.


Boiled in a bowl of butter and carefully seasoned with moderate amount of lemon pepper, I have no idea where these things come from, but I know where they belong.


My belly!

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #4

Cracked Peppercorn Sirloin.


Only two words can describe this bovine's gruesome conclusion.
Delicious bloodbath.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #5 AND #6

King Crab Legs and Turkey Sausages.


While taking a glance at the next course of our slaughter meal...


...there was an idea.


Perhaps JUST crazy enough to work.


A nautical twist on an old Deer Hunt/Hoof Thanksgiving classic...


CRAB ATTACK!!!


After doing what we weren't supposed to (playing with our food), pepper-jack cheese was applied to the turkey sausages while buns were simultaneously toasted.


Oh you delicious piece of Gobble Gobble! If I can't have you deep fried, then I'll take you covered with spicy brown!


The best part about crab legs- you can pick your teeth with them once you've eaten their insides.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #7

Lemon and Herb Salmon.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #8

Shrimp.


Boiled in the left-over lemon pepper and butter the scallops were in, with an added dash of beer, some cayenne pepper, and a drop of liquid smoke- these puppies were so good you almost wanted to eat the tails!
But that's gross. So you wouldn't.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #9

Lamb-urger Sliders.


Chris was a little broken-hearted when he heard we were cooking cute little lambs...


...but after a bite of the delicious grilled salmon, the only tears coming from his eyes were tears of joy. (Or ecstasy, I couldn't decide which one to go with.)
(Also, we were a little nervous not cooking the salmon on a cedar plank, but after how good this came out I don't think I'd ever use one again.)


When the lamb sliders were almost done we added the coveted mozzarella cheese, and toasted some egg buns.


And in the shake of a lambs tail...DELICIOUSNESS.

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #10

Rosemary Breaded Pork Loin.


Now, some say that this is cheating because we already had pig in the Chicken Cordon Bleu. BUT! Who can deny that the ass of a pig (ham) and the back of a pig (loin) taste SO different that it might as well be a goddamn different animal. This is like comparing pig's feet to bacon.
Oh god. How can ONE animal be so delicious...


It's almost a sin.
(Unless you're a Jew, in which case eating pig IS a sin.)

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #11, #12 AND #13

Seafood Medley. (Premium Quality!)


Squid, Octopus and Muscles boiled in the same bowl/mixture used for the scallions and shrimp.
(This dish also contained Crab and Shrimp, which were already consumed earlier.)


Sometimes pictures say more than words. This would be one such example.


Looks of disgust were shot around the table...were we really going to take it THIS far?


YES!

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #14

Dinosaur.


This prehistoric favorite goes GREAT with Dinosaur BBQ sauce!

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #15

Buffalo Burgers.


We are now reaching the point of animal-in-human capacity.
(Also known as critical mass.)

DEATH MURDER AND BBQ-ING OF ANIMAL #16

Tuna.


We cheers our tuna toasters in celebration of the death and consumption of 16 different animals.


You've had a good first day grill.

Edit: If you disagree that Dinosaur counted as a meat, perhaps we could substitute it with Dolphin.

The tuna can didn't say it was dolphin friendly ;)