A Lesson In Sandwich Condiments

Sandwich condiments, like many things in life, consist of:
1) Grabbing something from nature.
2) Smashing it up real good.
3) Putting it in a jar.

To make JAM you mash up BERRIES.

To make PEANUT BUTTER you mash up PEANUTS.

To make FLUFF you mash up...CIRCUS PEANUTS.

Fact.

Speaking of peanuts- the following is a pictorial pilgrimage, a visual voyage, a....tableau tour of my sister's wedding.
How is that related to peanuts? Well. Perhaps you should ask her.

Before you proceed, may I recommend a little Miyagi Michio ( http://www.last.fm/listen/artist/Michio%2BMiyagi/similarartists ) while you read...



Gather 'round young children. Let me tell you a tale of romance...

July 4th
"The Rehearsal"
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A tale of two love birds, preparing to unite in thoust holiest of matrimony.


Which began with a splendid rehearsal delightfully attended by beloved family and friends.


Very sharp dressed friends and family might I add.


Followed by a feast of onions in bloom.


Adults fiercely debated how many tracks of land their offspring were worth.


Merriment followed the grand meal.


Love was in the air. ...Um, pardon me sir, can you move over a touch?


Thank you, much better.


Love was in the air.

















A grand display of fireworks were presented to the couple to-be.

For wedding, like fireworks, begin with a bang! Then fizzle, slowly becoming nothing but a strong stench of sulfur.

I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

'clears throat'


July 5th
"This. Is not a test."
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The big day had come!


The traditional anti-bacterial swabbing had begun! This, my children, is to prevent the wife from spreading disease to her new husband.


Her hair then thoroughly checked for lice, as to be sure not to contaminate their new house.


Maids of the bride prepare. Spending many hours shifting and lifting various body parts.


The bride is then strapped into a white undergarment, protecting her from further infection, spread of disease and insects.


It is then customary to throw the wedding dress at her. A good-luck brick is hidden inside.


After finding the brick, the bride must dance in circles with her arms high above her head while the brides maids spit on the dress for good luck.


The bride is now basting is much good luck.


Basting.


The bride must then face East, while her dress is nailed to the floor.


A ring of thorns is placed upon her leg.


While tiny spikes are driven into her ears.


Her parents come to bid her farewell.


She takes a deep breathe and closes her eyes.


Then recites the sacred chant, beckoning ghost of St. Peter Peg Leg.


For her soul now belongs to him.


Her body, now an empty capsule, is ready to be wed.


The family car is then pulled forward.


The bride is forced to stare at a horses ass for a minimum of eight and a half minutes.


The origin of this tradition now long forgotten.


Meanwhile, the villages most handsome men must escort guests to their seats.


Like clockwork, the moment the bride arrives the ghost of St. Peter Peg Leg sucks the soul out of the groom.


Still blinded from the horses ass, the bride's father assists her down the blood red aisle.


The two soul-less humans face each other, touching hands,...


...slowly the ghost of St. Peter Peg Leg materializes.

He then spits the soul of the woman, into the man. Then visa versa.


They then seal their heads together, so that their souls may not escape each other.


The deed has been done.

Thank you St. Peter Peg Leg.

Thank you.


Upon stepping outside, the bride and groom are then covered with soap, disinfecting the cooties from their mouths.


The bride's family then gives their car to the groom, a gift welcome into their family.


Where they must then stare at a horses ass for no less than eight and a half minutes. This time, as a husband and wife.


The bride then often takes pictures with the village's most handsome man...


...he presence is often requested to make every picture look it's very best.


Ah yes. Isn't he stunning.


This picture would have probably looked better if he had been in it.


Much better.


God...dam... Get the bubbles back out.


A mid-1980's rendition of the bride and groom.


The bride scavenges the forest for food. It appears her first meal to her husband will be a wild flower salad.


It appears everything has come...shall we say...FULL CIRCLE! Mwuh hahaha! 'slaps knee'


-No Comment-


Every girl there dreamed of what her wedding would be like. Every guy there dreamed about getting out of his suit and having a beer.


On the road, like Kerouac.


After piling into a extremely long motor-carriage...


...the fanciful guests arrived...


...to a secret location.


Where they were greeted by beautiful girls!


The bride and groom are thrown a surprise festivus!


They are even treated to a very angular cake, with a side of wild flower salad.


It is said that dancing is another form of love making.


Looks like this guy is gettin' LAID then!


The villages most handsome man asks the bride for a polka.


To their surprise, he was also the villages best dancer!


According to this person's camera, they danced until the next day?


All the guests were treated to an imaginary feast!


It looked so delicious!


Bob Barker even showed up! He brought gifts of McDonalds and Wendys.


Shake shake shake!


dunna da dunna!


Shake shake shake!


Shake your booty!


"Yes dear, I know weddings get you all excited. No dear, I don't want to talk about it."


It's a good thing she was disinfected, they're getting awfully close.


The young girl with glasses is Michelle.


This was Michelle's drink stash.


It was bigger than Derek's drink stash.


The super-tall Aussie in the yellow dress had a serious advantage. Yes, this was an international event.


Barf.


The guests mingled...


...and drinks flowed late into the night.


It was quite a special day.


July 6th
"The epilogue."
-----------------------


The next day the newly weds embarked on the traditional search for honey.

For you see, all newly married couples are required to journey to far-away jungles in search of a sacred honey, that can only be seen by moonlight. They call this journey, the "honey moon".


Taking their luggage from them, the village's most handsome man took it upon himself to personally see that the couple's journey was a success.


After fueling up the plane...


...he hopped on board...


...checked is equipment...


...cleared his plane for take-off...


...and off they flew.

Never to be seen again.



And that my friends, is how shall I say...how the story goes.

Edit:

This was in the newspaper. It's a shame it was printed sideways.

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This post is dedicated to Brett, who will now finally be in my blog.


Brett
1982-present