The Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standards and Regulations Committee...
...have stated that standard vehicle safety belts are not defined as a child restraint system under law, as safety belts are not designed for children under 4'9" and therefore, do not protect young children.
It's a good thing MOST of us are taller than 4'10, which would seem dangerously close to the cut-off wouldn't it?
The average minimum height requirement for roller coasters is also 4'5, which still seems awfully close to 4'10...but at least the risk of sliding loose isn't statistically as deadly as running the risk of decapitation...
Actually, I made that up. I can't imagine too many people whom have slid loose from roller coaster seats have lived to purchase the picture of themselves screaming upside down on the cork-screw.
Moving onward...
A lot has happened between this very moment and the very moment of my last post. For instance, I flew across the country and resided in NY for nearly 2 weeks, lived to see the year 2007, and somehow aquired a girlfriend in the process.
Coincidentally (to the content above) she is 4'10.
Strike that. She is self-proclaimed 4'10 and a HALF.
A lumbering giant to all those who are a mere 4'10.
Alright. Where do I even begin?...
Approx. December 20
-----------------------
I came home to an eviction notice on the door.
Let that one sink in.
Make sure you take into account that I'm supposed to be traveling in 3 days to go home for Xmas.
Just let it seep right in.
Yeah.
YEAH.
Turns out Jay didn't feel like making sure his rent checks were backed with actual cash.
This was resolved temporarily until I came back from vacation. It's now January 16th and Jay is still severely short on what he owes me. Yeah, somehow him being too lazy to get a second job has become my problem.
This short clip from Family Guy should convey my exact feelings on the situation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5HP8H-Jvoc
December 23
--------------
Caroline dropped me off at the airport at 4 a.m. sharp. I then spent my day flying to Syracuse, NY, where I arrived at roughly 8 p.m.
My parents, sister, and Justin were there to pick me up (with a Wegman's turkey sub to boot!) so that we could all depart to my grandparents in Alexandira Bay, NY in unison.
We arrived at my grandparents, who tricked into thinking that NONE of us would be home for xmas, at around 10 p.m.
Lots of smiles. Lots of tears.
It was most excellent to see my grandfather, a.k.a. Papa Bob. Not to say it wasn't great to see the rest of my family, but he is one of few whom have earned my utmost respect. Something I've decided should be made clear to him in the relatively near future.
December 25
--------------
Xmas day with the family.
It would take entirely to long to explain how emotional this day made me, so I'm going to do it half-ass-edly.
It's been almost 2 years since I've seen any of my extended family. Within those two years my life has changed drastically, lots of ups and downs...mostly downs. Despite not seeing them at all I had made it a point to stay in contact, which often consisted of them giving me their two cents and wishing me luck upon my way.
To finally see their faces. To finally hug them, and look them in eyes...ugh. These were the people that raised me. My parents obviously did the blunt of the work, but my grandparents and aunts and uncles always played prominent roles in my life- they weren't just shadowy figures with names who sent me Birthday cards.
So these feelings combined with the "xmas spirit," the comfort of being in a very familiar place, and the ability to see everyone at once- not just a couple at a time...I couldn't have asked for anything more.
It was great to see my mom take over all the usual Xmas family rituals, and my dad tentively tending the Xmas wrappings garbage bag/basketball hoop.
On top of all of this was a newer feeling. The feeling of seeing all these familiar faces grow old, and realizing that someday it was me that would be in that position. Except this new feeling was directed more towards my sister than myself. Seeing her sitting there with Justin, constantly close to each other...it was going to be us, not just me, being the "adults" in the future. The feelings wasn't JUST the realization of "growing old" though..I'm having trouble wording this...but...it had more to do with seeing Danielle and Justin.
For a while I've talked to my parents about how happy I am for Danielle. How much I love that she is happy with Justin, how happy I am that I like Justin, and how happy I am that Justin likes my family.
Being with my immediate family, my extended family, and Justin...I had no doubt in my mind that Justin was part of my family.
So the "new" feeling I had...the one I've been trying to explain for a couple paragraphs now, was a feeling of KNOWING what my future was going to consist of (Danielle and Justin) and being excited about US being the adults some day, doing the same family traditions with our kids.
Later in the day, towards noon, was when Aunt Linda, Uncle Dave and Michelle showed up to celebrate the day with my grandparents. They too were in the dark about us being there- once again, cue the big surprise, the happy tears and the smiles :)
December 26 and 27
------------------
Spent the next couple days just hanging out with the family. I knew in advance, when planning my vacation, that these days were probably going to be the least eventful of the trip, but that was o.k., I just wanted to be able to relax and let things slide into feeling like no one had ever left at all.
And it did.
I always find it funny that despite years of not seeing certain people, or possibly even not talking to them, it never feels like time has moved that much. Yeah, specific daily things may occur, but life-altering and personality changing events are far and few between.
It's comforting to know that whenever I run into an old face, whether it be friend or family, more often than not it'll feel like we were never apart.
Until you have to say goodbye of course...
December 28
--------------
Today was the day to say goodbye to Papa Bob and Grama Lorrie. It was a gut-wrencher...how do you tell these two people, who you've spent every summer with, every holiday with, every special occasion with...two people who have influenced your whole life, who treat you like you're their own kid, who would do ANYTHING to see you be happy...after not seeing them in almost 2 years, how do you say goodbye?
Quietly apparently...
I hate goodbyes. I feel like I'm terrible at them, and I never feel like I've said enough.
Yet it's also awkward when you forgot your cell phone and you have to go back in to get it, just to say goodbye all over again ;)
Anyone that is reading this that I don't see IN PERSON regularly...I hope my goodbyes to you don't suck. (Unfortunetly it seems like ever since puberty struck I just can't appear emotional anymore...trust me though, it's in there.)
So my parents and I set forth to see Papa Howie, "Father of the Hecks" (unfortunetly Grama Barb, "Mother of the Hecks", left us a few years ago :( ).
Papa Howie was put in a "home" after Grama passed away, mostly because of his increasingly bad alzheimer's condition.
It's very strange to call him because you can FEEL the moments he forgets who he's on the phone with, the conversation just comes to a halt and he gets very quiet. So to see him in person is much easier, it seems to grab his attention for a much longer time.
In both instances he won't remember the talk/meeting a few hours later.
Recently he had a new hip put in though, so he still gets around like a young whipper-snapper!
So yeah, we drove to Utica, NY where we met up with Danielle and Justin (they had left Alex Bay a couple days earlier) to spend the day with Papa.
From Left to Right:
Dad Heck, Papa Heck, Mom Heck, Sister Heck, Derek Heck
(Isn't it creepy how similar my mom and sister look? Yeah Danielle, I know you're reading this! It's creepy 'cause you look similar to a FIFTY YEAR OLD!!!!!)
We kicked the visit off by going out to lunch. On the way out of the home we passed a woman (whom Papa presumably eats lunch with every day!?!) and Papa grabbed her hand, looked her in the eyes and said "You stay out of trouble," while winking.
WHOA PAPA!!! You can hardly remember who I am, but you know this broad!!!!!!!?
It was great to see him socialize though, it's gotta be so much better for his mind than sitting at home alone all day.
When we came back we played a lot fo games, surprising to everyone he seemed to remember how to play Pitch really well.
And apparently Danielle and Justin appear to have a peeking problem.
So I stomped on Justin's foot. (Somehow it effected my mom too?...she has some long toes...so it kinda makes sense...)
After a few hours it was time to head out and let him get some rest. But not before some Xmas tree pictures!!! WOOOO!!
O.k., either all of us are crooked, or the tree is crooked and that's what the camera was lined up with...
Look! There's a star sprouting from Danielle's head...which still doesn't explain why she looks asian.
Next stop was a trip to Nelson, NY. Raising grounds of yours truly.
Here's a picture of my house, which my senile great uncle once described as, "It looks like a goddamn ocean in the middle of the woods!"
Truer words have never been spoken.
I didn't go inside the house...or even up the driveway. I guess once I dis-associate myself with something, I like to keep it that way, especially since my parents have expressed interest in selling it soon (to build a new home on land they bought in Montana) (my dad drew me a rough blueprint of it at my grandparents, before xmas).
Seeing it did bring back a lot of great memories though...and a lil' tear in my eye.
After visiting the house we drove down the road to visit family friends/neighbors, The Trushs.
Mom and Dad Trush were basically my sister and I's surrogate parents, and their children, John and Julie, were our surrogate brother and sister.
It was always agreed upon that we got switched at birth, and that Julie and I were really brother and sister, and John and Danielle were brother and sister.
I hope it didn't REALLY work out that way, 'cause Julie's pretty hot, and I kinda kissed her once.
Casa de Trush, or...the Trush home, is pretty enormous. It's basically a rustic mansion in the middle of nowhere...
Dad Trush is an avid hunter and wild-life rehabilitator (yeah...oxy-moron anyone?) so the house is jam-packed with all sorts of corpses and animal parts, as well as...snow shoes...old wooden skiis...and...canoes...(this particular shot is taken from upstairs, looking out over the living room).
This photo is somewhat decieving. The fireplace is actually about 8 ft. wide, and the moose mounted above it weighed over 3000 lbs.
Dad Trush shot it in Alaska (the only place in the world where moose of that variety/size exsist), apparently it's just a medium-size one (each individual antler is roughly over 4 ft. wide).
Justin and Buckaroo. Buckaroo is a buck that Dad Trush raised from fawn-hood in his multi-acre deer rehabilitation cage. Buckaroo ultimately met his demise after he attacked Dad Trush (when it was "that" time of the season) and soon after became ill.
But if you don't want to let go of the ones you love, just chop off their heads and mount them in your living room!
"Yes sir, the bathroom is right over there..."
So after spending a few hours reminiscing and chatting with them (and Julie writing down some "hot spots" she discovered when she recently lived in Santa Monica for a brief period) we trucked our way over to the town of Cazenovia. Home of Derek's old schools, library, stores, the lake, and the best pizza shop in the world:
Caz Pizza.
Mom and Sis about to be disgusted by the amount of pizza Derek can fit inside his gut hole.
After eating lots and lots and lots and lots and lots...and lots, we strolled back to the car to make our way to Aunt Linda and Uncle Dave's house, in Syracuse. But wouldn't you know, as we passed the local dive bar on the way to the car, in the window was Alex and Kate!!! I grew up with Kate, was never really friends with her until college, and I met Alex in college, he lived a few rooms down from me Freshmen year. I knew they got married and lived in Caz, just never thought I'd run into them...
'shrug'
I was about to be in for a whole night of this...
So we chatted for a few minutes...it was pretty freaking awkward. It was kind of like:
"Hi! So you moved to California?"
"Yeah."
"How do you like it?"
"It's awesome."
"Neat."
"Uh...so you moved back to Caz?"
"Yeah."
"...'silence'..."
"Whup dee doo huh?"
"Yeeeeeeah...."
"Damn, you're still pretty white for living in L.A.!"
"Yup...you're still pretty fat for living in Caz."
OOOOooooh...I did NOT just go there...
I wonder if Alex, hispanic born and raised in the Bronx, ever saw himself settling down in an upper-class caucasian catholic town in the middle of BUM FUCK NOWHEEEEERE.
So eventually we made our way to my Aunt and Uncle's house, where shortly soon after I convinced my sister and Justin to come with me to Tully's (a sports-bar chain) to meet up with some old class-mates.
So we made our way over there and met up with Brett, his girlfriend, Garrett, Julia, Jen, annnnd some other girl.
Holy time-warp.
Keeping in mind I haven't seen these people since like...high school graduation (except for Brett). Remember that little schtick I wrote above? About how things just kind of meld right back to where they left off?
It should also be added that the "non-cool" people also tend to get much hotter over time too. I'm just going to leave it at that, I don't need Caroline beating my ass over this tonight.
So yeah, it was awesomely weird to catch up with all of them. The best part was when Justin fronted Garrett and said, "Word has it you held my girls hand once."
My sister "dated" Garrett for like...2 weeks.
So that lead to an amusing conversation...
It was also mentioned that Kristen M. was engaged and to be married that comming weekend. Which, alone is kind of weird...it seems that the girls I was friendlier with in my grade are all becomming the first to be married.
Weirder yet, her little sister (by a year?), Gwen, also just got engaged. This was very disappointing because I used to have a crush on Gwen. Damn the bastard that stole her from me. Damn him good.
(See, she used to be on my sister's basketball team...actually...I liked a lot of the girls on my sister's basketball team...hence I was their team proclaimed "Biggest Fan.") (I almost never missed a game, and often made them signs and started the chants...all of it a lead up for the high fives at the end! EEEEEeeeeee I just touched her!.....and her!.....and her!....).
Eventually we parted ways, leaving an awkward goodbye of "Guess I'll see you at the reunion or something..."
It was great to see Brett though, which was the main goal. He is one of the very few people I've ever met that can out sarcasm me...plus we have a long history of secretly playing Solitair and Gorillaz in our Business/Accounting classes.
Long live Leafy Lift.
Next stop, a rondez vous with Michelle...our cousin...our TWENTY ONE year-old cousin...
See, Aunt Linda is a little of what you may call..."over-protective." Except by little...I mean a lot. So we all know Michelle does hilariously bad things behind her mom's back, but I never got to see it first hand. So the next mission at hand was to meet her since she was out drinking with her friends (yet for some reason I VIVIDLY remember her leaving my aunt and uncle's house saying that she was going to a friend's house...suspicious...).
So we met her over in Armory Square (downtown Syracuse) where all of the college bars are. Maybe you've heard of Syracuse University? Yeah...it's kind of a big deal ;)
Let me tell you, it was weird yet STRANGELY satisfying buying her drinks. When I was buying Justin drinks (Danielle wouldn't let me buy her any, until the one time I didn't ask her, then she bought her own :( ) it didn't feel strange at all...yet when I handed Michelle that Corona...I felt like I was doing my part to liberate her from MOM.
This called for what may be the ONLY family documented photo of Michelle DRINKING. Yeeeaaaah booooyeeeeeeee, I bought her that beer! RAISE DA' ROOF!
Hooray beer.
So after our time was spent at the first bar, Michelle lead us across the road to another one. We're chattin' away, guys are checkin' out...my cousin...(o.k., that part was weird. but in my un-biased, don't take this in a gross kind-of-way, opinion, she is a pretty attractive lil' lass), and what do I see at the other end of the bar?
You won't guess it. You can't. There's no way you could. Go ahead, TRY.
Yeah, that's right. You didn't guess it. 'Cause from across the bar I see Kristen M., Gwen, and a bunch of other girls throwing Kristen's BACHELORETTE PARTY!!!
HOLY COINCIDENCE BATMAN!
Kristen's on the left, with her pretty little tiara ;), and Gwen is in the middle. Aw, they grow up so fast...
So I chatted with each of them for a little bit. I thought it was funny when I asked Kristen if she had lived with her "husband" yet and she answered, "No, we're doing it the traditional way."
I must have given her a weird look because she followed it up with, "Why? Do you think that'll be a problem?" I was too happily buzzed to want to get into it, so I just politely said, "Nah! Sounds like you guys will be great together!"
She has no idea what she's in for...
(Not to sound bitter, or pessimistic, but living with someone brings out a WHOLE new set of issues. A set I'd rather know about BEFORE I marry them.)
After another hour or so of drinking we were ready to head home. Justin and Danielle went to sleep, I went outside for a walk...which is essentially just the action I performed while I talked on the phone with Caroline.
I haven't made much of an issue out of it to this point, but every single night I was gone I talked to Caroline for X amount of hours. This was a feat in that there is the obvious time difference, but also a sleep schedule difference between my family and I which results in me trying to escape to random places late at night, as well as a hilarious amount of overage on Caroline's cell phone minutes.
Depending on your definition of hilarious.
So as we were wrapping up our conversation I watched Michelle come home, go up her driveway, go inside and shut the door. I knew, I KNEW, the minute she shut the door that she was going to lock it.
So I walk up to the door, sure enough it's locked. I knock lightly on it, Justin's only 4 feet away from it, maybe he'll hear me.
Nope.
I knock a little harder.
Nothing.
I CONSIDER ringing the door bell...No, just knock a little harder.
I see someone comming towards me through the stained glass.
MOM?
Somehow my Mom heard me knocking all the way down into the basement they were sleeping in...
Meh. I've seen mom's do weirder things.
I crashed on the couch.
Man...I ran into about 15 people I grew up with/knew from school, in the course of ONE day in Syracuse. I have to admit, I feel pretty accomplished living in L.A.
I wish they knew what they were missing out in the rest of the world.
December 29
--------------
Woke up to learn that Michelle and Danielle had to explain to my mom that they and Justin were not mad at me last night, and did not lock me out of the house.
That was kind of a weird assumption to make mom...I...hope
Towards the evening I said goodbye to Aunt Linda, Uncle Dave and Michelle. Mom and Dad drove me to the airport, we had our long goodbyes.
God I hate to see my mom cry. She always does it! Always! Ugh...and then my dad always says something unsettling like "You seemed kind of distant, I hope everything is alright in L.A."
WELL JESUS DAD! You could have brought that up, I dunno, within the WHOLE PAST WEEK!?
Instead I stand there trying to say goodbye combined with trying to convince them that I am perfectly happy here in California (Hell, I'd rather be here than anywhere else! Do they think I'd be happy in like...Buffalo? 'shudder').
Gooooooooood I hate goodbyes! They're so stupid!
Eventually, after about 10 million hugs, I boarded my plane and was off to New. York. City.
Home of the Emerik.
December 30
--------------
After a long night of making a mess in the living room with Libby, and I'm talking MESS man. M-E-S-S, motha-effin' MESS!!!
Actually Libby smells and slept on an air mattress in Emerik's room.
And she was so fat she made it deflate.
And she looks funny.
We spent the day doing such things as playing the NEW Nintendo Wii...and...'scratches head'...other stuff?...possibly Guitar Hero?...I...don't really remember...
But what I'll never FORGET is that eventually we went to DINOSAUR BBQ.
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
For those that don't know, Syracuse is the hometown of this most amazing BBQ restaraunt on the face of the planet and derek would kill 8 babies and a mermaid to have one opened near him.
Alas. There are only 3.
Syracuse is the original. Your goddamn straight it is. Goddamn. Straight.
Rochester was the 2nd installment. Kind of a "Let's eat at Dinosaur BBQ...
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
...in Syracuse before I go back to Buffalo (for college) and on the way we can stop in Rochester for Dinosaur BBQ."
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
Harlem.
Er.......yeah.....'cough'.......
Hey man, if you don't get stabbed you earned some Dinosaur BBQ!...
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
...or...something...
So yeah, obviously I went to Syracuse's enough that I probably funded most of the money that was used to build Rochester's. And I went to Rochester's enough that I probably paid for at least 2 of the tables used in the one in Harlem.
Harlem was the last of my Holy Trinity of Dinosaur BBQ's.
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
After waiting about 3 hours they finally seated our party of 12. (Adam and I got there at around 5-ish to reserve a table, after using his KICK-ASS GPS electronic mappy thingy, we weren't seated until 8-ish. In-between we walked over to Mike's apt. down the street, drank beer and played Wii)
To make up for lost time I was sure to order 2 dinner platters.
BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich with a side of fries and salt potatoes, and a BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich with a side of fries and maccoroni and cheese.
A) That is the shit-eating grin that I give whenever I even SMELL Dinosaur BBQ.
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
B) From Left to Right that is Adam, Mike, Myself. (Mike is the man responsible for convincing me that buying an Xbox just to mod it was o.k., and I'd be doing even MORE damage to Microsoft if I did that)
C) OMG I'm so happy.
D) Salt Potatoes is a recipe invented in central NY (most NYC'ers don't even know about it) involving boiling "New Potatoes" (that's what they are called, they're about the size of a spud) in salt water, then covering them with a shit-ton of melted butter before you eat them. It's SO good. You don't even understand man.
So we got our food, and Wailing Wench Ale (it's beer with like...10% alcohol) and I think around the time everyone was finishing up their meal I was polishing off my second plate.
Photographic evidence that Derek has an auxilary stomach specifically evolved for pouching excess (dare I even call it that) Dinosaur BBQ.
'drops to knees'
'bows head'
Dude, I'm not racist, I totally have a friend that is black. (and goddamnit I wish he'd move here :( )
(Don't worry Kai, I didn't forget you, it's just that you would have watered-down the joke)
(Dave...I don't think you read this...so...uh...yeah.)
Left to Right: Matt, Ron, Carrie
I'm gonna have to say that Carrie is the most adorable out of the three of them...
After that we all went out to some bar (can't remember the name) and drank (except I didn't have much room for that) and Elise even came to meet up with us.
Awwwww, I missed Elise. It was awesome to hang out with her :)
And I'll be damned, she finally DID grow an ass!
December 31
--------------
The next day was New Years Eve.
I'm not sure how to even describe what happened. I mean, we woke up, played a lot of video games...and then all of the sudden there was lots of booze and weed. I dunno, at some point Adam came over. Then Eli and his lady showed up...I dunno man, maybe these pictures will help clarify some of it:
Becker stole all the party hats. It's ok, we sprinkled them all with lice.
Obviously someone broke out a game of "Drinking Jenga." A rule at the moment was "If you swear you have to keep your chin on the table until someone else swears, then they have to." Uh...I'm pretty sure I said "WHAT THE FUCK!? Ass isn't a swear word!"
The close-up.
It never takes long for the nudity to ensue...
(awww, it's Eli! :) )
I...uh...er...uh...what better way to celebrate the last hours of 2006 than run around an apartment building with a lamp shade on your head screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
You would not IMAGINE the amount of echo inside that thing...
Mwuh hahahahaha!
This is where it got kind of...vengeful. You see, the girl with 3 cupcakes in her mouth, that's Elise. When you're playing drinking Jenga with an ex you haven't seen in a while, you get the urge to pick on them.
Cupcake style.
Smile like a donut baby ;)
What doesn't work out is when the ex gets a dare block and decides to make you EAT 5 cupcakes all at the same time. The bowl was for the slop that kept falling out of my mouth.
And damnit Emily, those cupcakes were GREAT!
So of course at this point Elise and I are at war.
Ever see a 6' drunk girl stand on her hands? Neither had I...
Of course that backfires into "Derek's mouth is the new Jenga block discard pile."
I'm am the Walrus...coo coo ca choo!
I like how I somewhat resemble...
"Sam," winner of the World's Ugliest Dog competition. (R.I.P.)
I think I maxed out at around 6 or 7...
It's all good though, in the end there were no hard feelings :)
Just the typical stupid drunk looks Elise always has in pictures. (OOOOooooh snap!)
And lots of New Year's love!
PSYCH!
BITCH!!
"Aw baba', why you always make me gotta' hit you!?"
I vaguely remember playing against Eli's lady (after Erik) with the guitar behind my back, on the floor, with my feet, and with my teeth.
When Eli and Derek are happy...
Everyone's happy!!!
So at some point during the night two distinct things happened that there appears to be NO photographic evidence of:
A) Ron scored pot for me (which is weird as it is, on top of it being through his cousin...'shrug'), because waaaaaay back at the "24-Hour BBQ" Emily specifically requested that I smoke her out.
So RIGHT after having a conversation with Elise's friend about how Elise recently described a guy she was dating to me as "like you (Derek) except...more academic." (Yeah. Ow!) I concocted a 2 liter bottle gravity bong, which recieved the following comment from her friend, "Now how is THAT not academic!?"
Hehehehehehe....
So I spent the next half-hour being the party's "pusher" getting everyone's girlfriends high. (Kind of a weird position to be in)
B) Soon after Ron and I decided that we needed to adventure to White Castle to buy 60 burgers for everyone at the party. I'm still waiting for him to send me the pictures we took with his camera, but basically we first set off to his car only to decide that pissing in a random alley/yard was necessary before we set forth on our journey.
So we peed in some random yard...it was kinda weird.
When we got in Ron's car we noticed there were some construction cones nearby, so as Ron pulled out I filled our spot with the cones. MWUH HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!
We went to White Castle, got a shit-ton of tiny little burgers (goddamn they make them fast!), and drove back home to discover that the cone tactic HAD indeed worked!
This, of course, made us the biggest fucking geniuses of the New Year.
So we brought the burgers in, and everyone ate them, and then everyone felt like shit afterwards. I think it was the first time a lot of us (it definitely was for me) had ever had White Castle.
And last time.
Alright, I'll tap the night off with this amazingly BADASS photo of the most BADASSest of BADASSes.
Haha...wups...not that one...
Ahhh, here we go, this is the one...
Damn. It feels good to be a gangster.
( 'kicks fax machine' )
The last thing I remember of the evening was saying "Happy New Year" to Caroline, talking to her for a while, then falling asleep on Emerik's bed with Emily and Libby...
Pimp.
January 1 and 2
----------------
I spent the next day trying to retrieve all of the rogue balloons.
And apparently sleeping...while perverts took my picture. EMILY! Why aren't you petting my head!!!
I guess at some point I was also hanging out with these homos.
Left to Right: Becker, Jon, Adam, Erik
I also took a second trip back to Dinosaur BBQ with Kai. It was Dino-rgasmic.
Like how I just made that up? I thought it was a good one.
'pats self on back'
Way to be Derek. Way to be.
January 3
-----------
Today was the day I had to make my way back to the Golden State. The proverbial "Land of milk and honey."
So I got to airport semi-early, stood in a humungous line for about 30 min. until a worker pointed out a self-check kiosk literally HIDDEN out of sight. He walked me over to it, and I was like, "Dude, how is ANYONE supposed to see this thing?"
He shot me a dirty look and said, "Well it has a sign."
The sign was LITERALLY about 4' tall (which is plenty for some SPECIFIC people.) (Caroline.) with "Self Check-In" written on it, facing AWAY from the line.
Awesome.
So I checked one bag, and carried my other bag over to security/metal detector. While I stand in line waiting to take off my shoes and belt, two militant soldiers (Join the army they said. See the world they said. Welcome to...JFK?) walk past me with their german shephard bomb-sniffer. The dog comes right over to me, sniffs my crotch, and they pull him away and keep on walking. (This is the second time this year that a police dog has sniffed me, do a search for the other story, it's somewhere in the blog)
Later on I'm on the phone with Caroline for the millionth-bajillionth time (at this point in my travels my right ear is ECSTATIC that I'm finally going home to just effing talk to her without smashing plastic against it) and I realize there is a dime-bag in my pocket.
Huh. Now the dog thing makes sense...
I think this is the part where I say, "I SWEAR I'm not a stoner!"
So I think to myself, what would make a 6 hour direct flight from NYC to LA more fun...
I go to the bathroom, and put a piece in my mouth.
Wow.
That was really dry.
I leave the bathroom and buy a bottle of cranberry juice at a news-stand. On my way back to the bathroom an old lady falls outside of the bathrooms. I went to help her up, but her family beat me to the punch. So now she's laying there, her whole family circled around her blocking the bathroom entrances, and I just want to eat my weed.
So I wander the airport, cranberry juice in hand, and find another bathroom.
'munch munch munch' 'chug' 'munch munch munch' 'chug'
The deed is done.
So I go back to talking to Caroline, and eventually board my plane. Of course at this point Derek's feeling pretty goddamn mellow. With the song "Come on baby light my fire, baby let me take you...HIIIIIIIGHER!" on repeat in my head (the Diana Kroll jazz cover, not the original version).
This is gonna be a nice flight. A reeeeeeeeeal nice flight.
NOPE.
As I get towards my seat there is 5'5 tall, probably 20-years-old, white girl with a hint of gutter punk (typical Hollywood rich girl) mixed with Christina Augulera (note that I'm not sure how the hell to spell that, nor am I going to check). She's standing there HEAVILY insisting to an enormous hispanic woman that the aisle seat is HER seat.
The hispanic woman just looks at her, and then ignores her.
So now I'm just standing behind this tiny little sparkplug who's going OFF on the woman about how it's HER seat, and that the woman needs to look at her ticket and figure out where she's been assigned to be seated.
So this goes on for about...five minutes? I don't know, I'm FUCKING HIGH MAN. So I'm just standing there like "Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't stare. Don't stare. Blink. Look normal. Look normal. Don't laugh. Holy shit how long has it been!?"
Eventually mini-Christina decides to go get a flight attendant, so I can finally make my way to my seat.
I get to my seat and it's a row of 3. I ALWAYS book window seats, so I can fall asleep with my head against the wall of the plane. So the other 2 seats are taken up by a black couple. I say, "Excuse me," smile, and wait for them to stand up so I can get to my seat.
"Do you mind if I take the window seat?" the man asks.
"Um, I'd rather keep it, sorry." Man, I feel like such an ass, but come on! I booked it for a reason!
"Are you suuuuuuuuuure you want it!?" He half begs, half kids. I chuckle a little. God I'm high.
"Yeah, sorry man." as I give him a big ol' smile.
So now I'm sitting in my seat wondering what the chances are that this girl can't get her seat, and this guy is bothering me for my seat. I'd suggest that she takes his aisle seat, and he takes the fat ladies window seat, but I'm WAY to high to want to explain this one to them.
All of the sudden this man is yelling.
Apparently he wanted to stow his luggage above his seat, but some other woman has her luggage there. So he's throwing a hissy fit about how it's HIS overhead spot and is threatening to throw her stuff down the aisle if she doesn't move it.
The cute "Christina" gutter-punk girl comes back with a flight attendant who is now speaking Spanish to the enormous woman takeing "Christina's" seat. The huge woman is refusing to move, despite the fact that it is NOT HER SEAT.
The guy in my row has now created, and is now performing, a cute little diddy about how he wishes he could have my window seat- drumming on his meal tray with his fingers, while his wife (who is next to me) is slapping his shoulder telling him to grow up.
Holy shit...am I THAT high, or is this whole plane going crazy?
Eventually everyone settles down and I watch cartoons on my personal tv (built into the seats) for 6 hours.
I'm pretty sure they're all staring at me.
January 4
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After I flew in yesterday Caroline came to pick me up at the airport. We proceeded to hang out the rest of the night (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) which then convinced me I shouldn't go into work this day. Instead...there was a lot of laying around.
It's good to be back home.
.......whatever home is.
posted by XIII @ 18:30
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