Good times never seemed so good

I've been inclined.
To believe they never would.


Alright, this update is sure to sicken the minds of many. It's probably going to get pretty cutesy, consider yourself warned.

Friday 15th
------------
I spent the majority of the day talking to Caroline on AIM, which doesn't seem interesting right now- but it adds to the bloggishness further down.

When I got home I talked to Caroline for quite some time (ultimately hindering her ability to hos a party), while waiting to go adventure with Don.
You're probably starting to see where this is going...

So Don and I went over the Chris' with cheap whiskey and beer in hand, and ultimately watched a good majority of Vibe's DVD (Vibe...the magazine), and played Tekken 5.


Saturday 16th
---------------
I spent the majority of the day talking to Caroline.

Isn't reading this EXCITING!? ;)

Which lead up to the event of the night (or...was it) Don and Matt's "Xmas Sweater Party." I showed up to their place to find xmas lights strung about, yuletide log aflame, finely hung wreaths, and classic xmas song (mashes) lingering in the air.

Oh, and Matt's GAY ASS AROMATIC CANDLE.

God that thing was gay.

At this point I wasn't aware the party had a theme, but once informed I felt it was my god-given duty to dapper myself up.
So I trucked it back on home, and returned with a tight-ass 3-piece-suit, slicked down hair, glasses, and classic tobacco pipe. (I didn't have any sweaters, so I figured the Classic Professor look would do)
LET THE FAMILY PHOTO'S BEEEEEGIN!!!

Oh man, wait 'till you see some pictures. The "Power Stance" was alive that night. Boy was it alive.
-------------------
Power Stance- When approaching someone for conversation, take one foot and rest it on the highest nearest object while tugging your pant leg up a little (to make room for "the boys"). Continue to converse as normal.
--------------------

One highlight of the party was Matt being completely tore-up and yelling about how his mom wouldn't ever let him buy canned "snow" to spray on windows.
Obviously he finally got his revenge...which resulted in my spraying a giant snow penis on their window.

Throughout the night I recieved various messages from...

wait for it...

wait for it...

Yup.

Caroline.

She was off doing...........things........'awkward stare'..........but wanted to meet up at some point.

That point was around 4 a.m. near the transvestite district of downtown Hollywood.


Sunday 17th
-------------
(continued from the "Xmas Sweater Party")
It was kind of awkward driving less-than-sober to an unfamiliar apartment, to sit on a couch with a less-than-sober Caroline, to watch East Coast timed cartoons (Direct TV doesn't adjust for West Coast time zone...?).

Thankfully the whole experience became quite euphoric within the next (aprox.) 24 hours.

Hahaha...yes. We literally hung out on her couch the whole day, going in and out of sleep.

And it was fucking awesome.


Monday 18th
--------------
Called in sick to work.

After having spent the ENTIRE weekend either drinking or talking to Caroline (while running on very little, and very inconsistent sleep), it was decided that Monday would best be spent sleeping in- followed by talking to Caroline.

A watch I ordered from Japan on Thursday night (Friday morning "Nippon" time), arrived via U.S. Postal Service at around 2 p.m.
A) How did a package get processed and shipped within a span of a weekend?!?
B) Since when was the U.S. Postal Service efficient at delivering packages!?

The watch is fucking awesome, go here to check it out:
http://www.tokyoflash.com/viewwatch99W2fusion-watch.html

The watch band was too loose, so I decided to drive to Moviola (around 4) to use some tools, with the intention of going Xmas Shopping after that.
As fate would have it, Caroline was in the shopping center I had intended to whore myself out to.

The shopping center...not...her...

So I spent about an hour trying to figure HOW THE FUCK to adjust my watch band, and let me tell you! It was NOT an easy puzzle to solve.

But I did it.

Cause I'm a fuckin' badass ninja.

Bitch.

So I met Caroline at Jamba Juice where she was sipping a strawberry smoothie...while sitting under a bulletin board with a printed notice saying "WARNING! A shipment of strawberries we have recieved has been deemed biologically unsafe..."

"Soooo baba'. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow....would you uh...'wink wink'..."

We went to Target so I could start my Xmas shopping. That lasted a whole 1 minute. (It was decided that I should procrastinate even longer, as to avoid the ridiculous mayhem of 5:30 p.m. Xmas shopping).

Drove Caroline around to run some errands, and went back to her apartment.

Well...the street NEXT to her apartment.

Why go inside when you can spend 3 hours hanging out in a Toyota Tercel listening to some sweet MP3ZZZzzzs!!!1!zz

That was magical.

'shrug' No. I don't even know if I was being sarcastic or not.


Tuesday 19th
--------------
Spent most of the afternoon talking to Caroline on the phone. Work has been pretty dead lately, not many people start productions during the holiday season.
So I just sat here leaned back in my chiar, legs kicked up on my desk, talking to her for (what seemed) her entire drive to San Diego.

If you didn't catch the lyrics that I started the post out with (including the title), now may be the time to look into it.

After work I went over to Matt and Don's, had some beers, watched some cheesey horror movies, kicked some ass at Guitar Hero, and called it a night.

You know. Aside from going home and talking to Caroline.


Wednesday 20th
------------------
Spent the majority of the day talking to Caroline as she drove BACK from San Diego (I officially went there and back without leaving work), as well as giving her "On-Star"-like directions to various locations (thanks Maps.Google).

Went Xmas shopping too! Got almost everything I needed in ONE hour. I went to Target and was like BAM! Then I went to Best Buy and was like BAM! Then I went to some whole-in-the-wall video game store and was like BAM!

After work I went to a toy store called "Wacko's." It reminded me of the shops that are underground in Seattle's "Pike." It was full of wanky action figures and Japanese import robot toys.
And rubber lobsters.
It also had an art gallery smack dab in the center, which was showing off EXTREMELY Mark Ryen-esque paintings.

Then I went to Caroline's to hang out for a little bit (she watches anime...<3).

She made me sloppy joe AND I even ate some.

I also got to walk her dog...

Yeah. You don't have to tell me. I already know.


Oh! And Jen (cunt) decided to call me a million times and send me text messages saying things similar to "Honey, the baby and I are home, are you still at your mothers?"
Hilarious Jen. ;)

Ok. This is probably going to be the last post until I get back from my trip to NY. So I hope you all have a safe holiday, and I'll be seeing a good deal of you for New Years!!!!! WOoooOOOooOO!!!

DINOSAUR BBQ ISN'T GONNA KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HIT IT!!!


Caroline-O-Meter
-------------------
In this update the word "Caroline" was used 16 times up to this point.
Derek has clocked an estimated 40+ hours talking to Caroline on AIM.
The name "Caroline" appears 70+ times in Derek's cell-phone.

I can't believe you just read all this.


EDIT:
Thursday 21st
---------------
Went to a kick-ass cafeteria (Clifton's Cafeteria) for lunch today with a bunch of people I work with. We did a $10 (has to be a funny gift) secret santa. Seeing as the cafeteria was located in downtown L.A. where all the mexican knock-off shops are, you can only imagine what types of insanity were wrapped in cheap bags.

Tonight I'm supposed to assist Caroline on another drive to San Diego. Hey, why the hell not. Long drives usually lead to some interesting conversations, or at the very least an excuse to listen to my Ace of Base CD.

An amazing update.

Annnnnnnnnnnd once again I have slacked.

Ok. So last I left off was around the end of November. I honestly don't remember what I did the last week of the month, other than come home from the Thanksgiving/Michigan trip and tell various manly stories about gutting a deer.
Why is it that many a girls insist that I'm am neither a ninja nor badass, yet once there is a dead deer involved I am the cruelest son-of-a-bitch known to man?

So yeah, who knows. Perhaps I was probed by aliens and had my memory erased, perhaps I spent the whole week "gettin' back into ma' groove thang" which resulted in many night of non-events.

I DO know that over the weekend of December 2nd and 3rd I watched:
"Lucky Number S7evin"
"Rules Of Attraction"
"Pirates Of The Carribean 2"

I highly, HIGHLY recommend "Lucky Number S7evin." Definately one of my favoritest movies ever.

Soooo...what has else has happened in December.

Well, the pretty much the whole first week, when I wasn't doing something else (...er...obviously), I was watching the first 11 episodes of "Heroes," the new hit T.V. show.

New to me. And a hit because I say it is.

It's pretty freakin' dope shizzle, as the kids would say. I was expecting it to be super cheesey like..."Xena"...or..."Farscape." Instead it runs more like "Lost," or "24" where it's a giant plot divided into episodes, instead of the old skool "Gilligan's Island" type show that runs a new plot every episode. And it's their super powers are more of an anomally than they are something that is controllable, so they aren't flying around everyone fighting giant robots and evil doctors (yet).
I also very much enjoy how every episode has made a subtle nod to various Marvel and DC comics, whether it be a background prop or a mumbled line.

Alright, that's enough free-style banter, let's get back to the forumlaic and predictable layout we've all come to know and love.
While I'm speaking to you, the reader, I might add that I have gotten a lot of comments via telephone/xbox live! from people that read this. It always amazes me that anyone would be interested in reading what I have to say, especially since I write this purely for myself so that in my golden years I may reflect on the stupidity and wastefulness of my life.
Let it be said that I appreciate you taking the time to read this. It boggles my mind that you have nothing better to do, so I hope you're at least at work getting paid to do this right now.

Like I am ;)

Monday 4th
-------------
After work Steve and I drove out into Van Nuys territory to get handgun permits. I don't know if it was the hunting or the video games...perhaps all that hippity hop music? But getting a handgun permit suddenly seemed essential to my manlihood, only to precurse the motorcycle and helicopter licenses.
'Throws cigarette on ground'
No. I'm not being sarcastic.

That was a no-go though, we got there 15 mintues too late. Typical Derek luck. You see- the place closes at 9:00 and one would assume that being there at 8 would be timely enough.
Nay.
Apparently, after taking 15 minutes to finally help us out, 8:15 was too late to issue a 20-question multiple choice exam. For it would take them FAR too long to grade it AND have us sign a piece of paper.

Went to Don's, defeated and less manly.

Then went to grab Chris and make a frozen yogurt run...even LESS manly? I dunno, I guess it's something Chris and Steve do often. I have to admit though, getting vanilla frozen yogurt with strawberries, rasberries and FRUITY PEBBLES was amazingly fuck-tastic. There were all sorts of cereals to choose from. Next time I shall traverse the uncharted territory that is frozen yogurt topped with Cap'N Crunch.


Tuesday 5th
-------------
Went to get the handgun permit again after work, this time with an ETA of 7 p.m. as to give them PLENTY of time to grade my 20 questions.
"Oh? What's that Mr. Salesmen of Guns? I can't use this DMV issued temporary license? I have to wait for the official card to come in the mail? Of course I understand. Of course. Why would the DMV issue me 6 pages worth of paper to be considered legitiment California ID when I could just be forced to wait 2-4 weeks for a plastic card?"

'sigh'

Seriously people, page 2 has my picture on it and page 4 was an exact duplicate of the card I would be recieving in the mail...

Then I made my way back into the lime-light that is Hollywood. For tonight was the company xmas party.
Oh joy.
Apparently when I was asked to RSVP it was merely a test of literacy skills, because when I walked into the dining room every table was full with not an empty chair in sight.
Thanks guys!

Needless to say, that night ended with drunken stupor at the expense of someone else. The highlight- I got to meet Aaron's wife and Monique's boyfriend. Aaron's wife was fucking AWESOME. Easily among the top 10 coolest women I've met in my life.
Paul's wife was pretty freaking cool too. She told it how it is.
Was?
Is.


Wednesday 6th
----------------
Trivia Night. We tied for 3rd. It wasn't pretty.

At least on the walk there I got to talk to Ron, and on the walk back I got to leave 15 minutes of drunken voicemail to Jen (cunt). It was an epic tale inspired by a Capri Sun wrapper I had passed while walking over the gorgeous L.A. River. (The whole story is at the bottom of this blog)

I was then attacked by sprinklers.
I swear to god they came out of NOWHERE! I was just walking by an 8-foot wall of shrubbery, when suddenly water, with garden-hose force and trajectory, shot over the wall and soaked me. This was RIGHT after I was mid-sentence complaining about how cold I was.
There is a god. And he's a fucking smart-ass.


Thursday 7
------------
Went out to dinner with Steve and his "crew." We had Hungarian cuisine of the finest quality. Which...ya know.
MEH. <--- The Hungarians aren't exactly known for their cuisine eh?

BUT the veal was good, it was certainly good.

When we had all ordered beer I was prepared to show them my 6 pages worth of DMV certified California ID.
"Here it is," pulls out wad of papers, "Page 2 and Page 4 my good sir."

Unfortunetly the waiter wasn't well versed in the English language, so the owner came out and asked me how old I was, while flipping through my 6 pages of ID. Being put on the spot, I rounded up and said "25." He was quick to reply with a, "HA! Vou look like an 8 vere-old!"
Thanks buddy.

Make sure you piss in my food while you're at it.

It's all good though. I also left the experience having proven to myself that the dried red peppers in the jar in the middle of the table WERE in fact, extremely hot.
About 2 hours of hot.
My mouth has never produced so much saliva.

Justification: Everyone has been TOLD that those peppers are hot and/or just assumes it, but how do you KNOW unless you try?

Next week: Are outlets and forks REALLY dangerous...


Friday 8
--------
It's all just a big blur- leaving only memories of playing Uno on Xbox Live! late into the night with Brett.


Saturday 9
-----------
Steve B-Day, and what better way to celebrate someone's birth than to go get fucked up.

The night started with drinking Monopoly and ended with...waking up in bed with a devoured box of peanut butter and fudge cookies.

Somewhere in-between I went to one of the darkest bars I've ever been in, another bar that involved walking through a library to get to the camo-tarped outside area, and a party with a bunch of people I've never seen in my life.

Apparently I also created some new form of math that goes as follows:
$25 bill + $5 tip = $35 dollar signed reciept.

Oh, and let us not forget the antics of trying to get into said bars. "What's that, you need to see my ID?"
'huge grin'
'pulls out wad of papers'
"Page 2 and Page 4 my good sir!"

This temporary ID thing is getting a little old.


Sunday 10th
-------------
Spent the majority of the day either A)laying in bed or B)laying on the couch. In both scenarios I was spending copious amounts of time talking to Jen (cunt).

I also finished a BBC documentary "Power of Nightmares: The Rise of Fear in Politics." It was EXCELLENT. Basically walked through the timeline of the creation of Neo Conservatives along with Islamic Fundamentalists, and how they were gerenally started in the U.S. at the same time, and how they progressed through time leading up to the 9-11 attacks, etc.
Good stuff.
Very good stuff.
You should come over and watch it with me, I'd watch it again.


Monday 11th
--------------
I was supposed to have a ub3r h@wt online date with Kate to play "Gears of War" on the 360. Rumor has it she was even wearing sexy underwear.
Alas, the ISP (Internet Service Provider for you non-cool people) let me down and hindered the cyber date/bloodfest.
Then again, what good date doesn't involve some sort of blood-fest?

Ewwwwwwwwwww...he went there.


Tuesday 12th
--------------
Watched a documentary on the downfall of the Fox series "Firefly," created by Joss Whedon, by the name of "Done The Impossible."
Might I add that I watched it at work.
Then I left at 1 p.m. because I was bored. Bought a shit-ton of groceries, because I have a tendancy to get them when I'm hungry.

"Too high for the super market...too high for the grocery store..."

Yer' damn straight I have that song playing right now.

After that, headed over to Don's to watch some horrifically awful movie about bums that turn into ooze when they drink this poisonous liquor......somehow that sounds even weirder when I type it...

Oh! Got my OFFICIAL Cali license in the mail! No more "Page 2 and Page 4" for meeeeee!!!!!


Wednesday 13th
-----------------
Ron sent me a link to a watch he thought I'd like. This is DIRECTLY AFTER I told him I wished he was a girl.
Impeccable.
There is no doubt in my mind that Ron would be the best girlfriend EVER. Annnnnd....play with his boobs a lot...

Got my handgun license after work. ACED THAT MOTHA' FUCKER!!! Not a single question wrong.
Which was nice, because two guys ahead of me missed some questions:
"It is unsafe to shoot your gun in the air during holidays or for celebration."
and
"It is legal to shoot an intruder." (as opposed to the RIGHT answer: "someone that intends physical harm upon you)

I know this because apparently if you miss a question the person who issued the test has to yell really loudly which ones you got wrong.
I now have a much greater fear of the types of people that are packing heat.

Went to trivia night to meet up with Don and Co. but only Don showed up. That was kinda weird. So we left, and I played Gears with him and Kate on Live!

Kate kicked ass, I was so proud of her :)


Thursday 14th
----------------
Talked to Caroline all day. Honestly she's in my top 10 list of best conversationalists.

She loves to BBQ...which has left me somewhat smitten.

I tell ya, if there's one way to this guy's heart...

...it involves molasses, spices, and smoke flavoring.


As mentioned previously:
Tale of a Capri Sun
---------------------
'dog hands derek a book'

''fireplace crackles'

It all began way back in the early 90's an up-and-comming juice company was raring to compete with opponents such as MOTTS and....JUICY JUICY and a bunch of other companies that are all probably bottled under pepsi or coke.

so this company had developed tastey flavors, all of which were kinda the same. with eXtreme names such as....
Tropical Punch Cooler
Pacific Cooler
Surfer Cooler
Splash Cooler
Mountain Cooler

pretty much "anything" cooler. (by the way, all these facts are 100% true, you can check)

so said company was ready to go, ALL EXCEPT FOR ONE DETAIL- the packaging.

they thought to themselves...."what can we do that would be COOLER than all the other juice companies?"
so they spend billions of dollars, and months of research and development (aka R&D), the most intelligent minds of the juice industry were flown in from around the world. yet consiquently it all came down to one man, THE JANITOR.

one day he was emptying the office garbage cans while the juice execs were discussing how they could package their eXtreme product, and the janitor, dumping out some trash, saw a juice box slide by.
he thought to himself, "man. what a waste. it's just a cardboard box with a tin foil lining on the inside"
"wouldn't it be much easier to just use tin foil lining and skip the whole cardboard process?"

well, as you can imagine, said janitor pitched his idea to the money hungry execs and they thought to themselves, "a juice box...that ISN'T A BOX!!!"
by.
it's just so insane...it's......EXTREEEEEEEME!!!!!!!

so eventually millions of boxless juice boxes were produced leaving kids around the globe wondering "how the fuck do i stick the straw in this?"

because the money hungry execs put so much money into their " 'insert name' Cooler" packaging, they couldn't afford to use sturdy straws, resulting in many children trying to stab their way into the boxless juice boxes, only to bend, rend, and destroy the straw they were given.

well one day a small child, we'll call him derek, thought to himself "what if i cover the straw with my thumb, and instead of carefully trying to insert it into the pre-punched hole, i'll slame it into it as hard as i can" because physics would dictate that a fast enough force, combined with the pre-cut "sharp" end of the straw, would EASILY penetrate the boxless juice boxes defenses. and by covering the other end of the straw with his thumb, juice wouldn't squirt him in the face

it was GENIUS.

so the "derek" method caught on like wild fire. the janitor was premoted, living the lifestyle of any given double platinum rapper
BUT
one day, the janitor's son was at school and as he ate his PBJ he thought, "man am i thirsty." so he took out his capri sun
(cause whenever parents work for companies that make things, they get tons of free boxes of those things so the ex-janitor obviously had tons of capri sun)
so his son reached in, thinking "man, this is going to be so delicious and extreme! it's not even in a box! that's how extreme it is!"
so he went to open it via the "derek" method, but as the straw came slamming down full force
with thumb covering the non-sharpened end

he MISSED his capri sun!!!!!!! and stabbed himself right in the arm. blood squirted EVERYWHERE

but only out of the end of the straw

AFTER he took his thumb off it and he FREAKED out and everyone was like, "dude, stop freaking out!" but he couldn't and was like, "AHHHH! I"M FREAKING OUT!!!" and the lunch-room monitors were like DUDE, SETTLE DOWN but they couldn't get the straw out of his arm, because it was so unsturdy it just kept breaking off at random lengths

well.

sad to say, he passed on. to the capri sun in the sky. but not before ridiculous amounts of doctor bills which ended up driving the ex-janitor broke and therefore creating the invention that would take the life of his son, and all the material objects he possessed.

the end.