Sometimes you get the elevator. Sometimes you get the shaft.

Alright. We have a lot of ground to cover so lets just dive right in.

Ugh, I'm fucking tired. I kinda want to take a nap before I get into this...

O.k. I KNEW the minute I laid down to take a nap that someone would probably call me within like, 10 minutes. ESPECIALLY since I was waiting to hear from a job so I couldn't mute my phone.
Of course, I fell asleep right away and within 12 minutes I got the call from the job thing.

'shakes fist'

So now I'm half groggy and I feel dehydrated. Naps always do that to me...

April 14th and 15th
--------------------
From last I left off I was about to spend a weekend helping Suzie shoot a music video. Lo-and-behold. I helped Suzie shoot her music video.
I guess it was up on YouTube for a whole minute, then it got taken down for breaching copyright laws.
Way to go Suzie.

The first day I went to meet up with her and the rest of the crew I was driving up to the location and noticed a wide open parking spot on an otherwise jam packed street. So I parallel parked in the open spot, hopped out and went to the driver side/curb side to grab my bag. I looked down and thought to myself "Today is my lucky day."


Later that evening I got a call involving a job AC-ing on a TV show for the whole month of May. Yes. I'm going to be an air conditioner for the whole month of May.
AC stands for "assistant camera" ass-wipe. So I will be assisting camera's on the show "America's Next Producer."
I will assist them so hard it hurts.

This is an interesting prospect in that:
A) I will get paid more in one week than a typical one month salary in Buffalo. (Good thing May has 5 weeks!)
B) When I moved to L.A. this is exactly where I was hoping to be by this point in time, I REALLY didn't think it was going to happen. (Basically- being self-employed, out of the big hairy grasp of "THE MAN," and working with big boy cameras)
C) I will be loosely working with Don, who was hired on to do tech support for the contestants.
D) It will involve prepping equipment at Moviola.

Oh the sweet sweet irony...

I can't wait for the awkwardness that's going to ensue when I waltz into Moviola AS a client. (Yes, I did specifically request to prep the equipment when I found out that's where it was coming from)


April 16th
-----------
Had a friendly appointment with the dentist in the morning.

By friendly I mean extremely bloody and painful...

The guy put topical anesthetic all over my mouth and orally raped me with a high pressure "water-pick"esque device.
I deserved it though, it had been at least 3 years since my last professional dental cleaning. And hey! No cavities!
All-in-all he did a great job, my teeth have never been cleaner.

Drove down to the LBC (Long Beach City) to chill with the God-Nerb (Bren-Dog...Brenna). We smoked a tiny bit, ate at Mi Lupita and talked for a long time, then I checked out her new studio apartment (yet to be decorated or furnished) and found a cockroach for her.

She also introduced me to "Yo Gabba Gabba," which appears to be a some sort of television programming for children? Our friend is designing the toys for it...


April 17th
-----------
Had a morning appointment with the optometrist. Yup, it's "Derek Tune-Up Week." The office was kind of weird, all of the furniture was really nice oak and mahogany, it was a very "Beverly Hills" office. Even the actual optometrist was stylin' with a designer suit and super swanky glasses.
He raped me visually. (As Steve so eloquently put it, "I hope you don't have any proctologist appointments this week.)
Oh, and coincidentally all of his equipment was from Buffalo, NY.

Later in the day I went to Ikea. Damn do those Swedes know how to decorate.


April 18th
-----------
Spent the earlier part of the day sorting through my closet-full of boxed memories. I will take said boxes of said memories to my parents house later this week. Might as well take up space in their garage (with the rest of my childhood stuff that they have boxed up) instead of my closet, eh?

My Xbox 360 has broken, making this the 3rd one I've been through. I spent a good amount of time on the phone convincing Microsoft's help-line that my console was still under a warranty I purchased.
Now I sit back and wait for them to ship me an empty box in the mail...

Today I rediscovered my all-time favorite childhood board game:

Fireball Island.


Also, breaking news:
HotOrNot.com is free again!!! This of course is a website of substantial importance. Well, at least historically...in the life of Derek.


April 19th
-----------
Steve's lady-friend Alyse is visiting until Monday. She's going to be looking for an apartment for them to live in (here in L.A.!!) since she was accepted to USC's grad school :)


April 20th
-----------
Happy 4/20

I spent the entire day running around giving gifts to people that have hooked me up with paying freelance gigs.
This involved many hours of hanging out with Tiffany. Because she's awesome.


April 21st
-----------
Spent the day packing for my trip to Reno, Nevada- to see my parents and drop off/sort through old childhood memorabilia that both they and I have collectively kept.
Also prepared for my interview in San Fransisco (the interview for the job in Japan, mentioned in the former post).
Yeah I could have waited until May 11th to interview with them in L.A., but I'm a fucking go-getter.

'straightens tie'

So I acquired this little beauty at the local Enterprise car rentals.


When given the option to take a convertible, Derek raises an eyebrow and says "Fuck yes."

The battle plan was to drive to Reno, NV for a day, San Francisco, CA for two days, then back to Los Angeles, CA.

Since I've made it new personal tradition to listen to the Harry Potter audio books whenever I drive to my parents I had the second and third books ripped to cd's ready to rock (the first book was listened to the last time I drove there).
Honestly, it's so much more entertaining than music AND I know how to properly pronounce the name "Hermione."

I'm just not sure if I'm spelling it right...

I'm driving along, laughing and crying with Harry and his friends, when after staring at the road for a good 6 hours I start to approach a stretch of road called 'Donner's Pass." Within only 40 miles of my parents house the road starts to cross through a pretty tall mountain range, where a light rain becomes a gentle snow fall.
I think to myself, "Wow. it's been so long..." as the nostalgia of driving in snow sets in.

Suddenly out of NO WHERE there are massive signs with bright yellow lights aggressively displaying "CHAINS REQUIRED FROM THIS POINT."
Men in bright yellow suits are hailing cars and trucks over with flashlights. I pull up to one of these men and ask him what is going on. He explains to me that I have the option of either putting chains on my car for the low low price of $80, or turning around to where I came from.
After a brief consultation with my parents it is decided that I will purchase some chains. I tell the kind man that I only have $61 in cash, and he looks at me scornfully and says, "Fine, but don't tell anyone else I'm doing it for that cheap- they'd all laugh at me."

Wow, good thing you said it like that buddy, because afterwards I was seriously going to drive around to each individual chain-seller and tell them how you put $30 chains on my tires for $61 until they laughed you out of business...

As I'm waiting for him to outfit my car with his outrageously priced tire-chains a van pulls up next to me. The passenger window rolls down as the assumed mother of the family asks me how much he's charging for the chains. After I tell her he was asking for $80 she got very excited and said, "That's great! The guy we pulled up to before was asking for $190."

My jaw just dropped.

The back windows of the van rolled down and her 3 teenage sons, who must have noticed an old pair of skis in my car (amongst all the other boxes of stuff I packed to put in my parents garage), start asking me questions like "Are you going skiing in lake Tahoe?" and "You must not see a lot of snow like this in California! We're from Nevada so we have!"

I shoot them a deadly look and say, "I'm actually from Buffalo, NY."

The father's eyes get all wide. "Wow! Then this is nothing to you huh!?"

"Yeah, honestly I can handle this snow fine, I'm not really sure why they insist on chains. I've driven much smaller cars through 2 feet of snow and ice every year for at least 6 or 7 years."

As I finish that sentence the "chain guy" comes back to my car and asks me to straighten out my tires. I straighten them. Then he says, "Alright, pull forward."
I pull forward.
"Stop!"
I stop.
He tightens them on, "Alright, now turn your wheel."
"Um...which way?"
"Towards away from me."
..................................I can't believe I'm letting him do this. I turn the wheel away from him, opting for that half of his sentence.
"Alright, now go back."
I turn the wheel back.
"No no no!!! Go back!"
"It is back."
"Nooooo! Baaaaaack!!!"
"Ooooh, as in "reverse"?"
"Look kid, this is going to be simple. I'm going to ask you to pull forward or backwards, or move you wheels away from me." Thats funny, I don't remember you using the phrase "backwards"....

After that fucking debacle, I "back" my car a good 50 feet, take a picture of this whole thing


Then join the ass-end of a conga line of cars and trucks driving 30 mph through this "storm."


About 10 minutes into it my Harry Potter is rudely interrupted by a noise similar to "CHUG KA! CHUG KA! CHUG KA! CHUG KA!"
I think to myself, "Huh. I probably should have opted for the extra car insurance, because that sure-as-hell sounds like a broken tire chain slapping against the side of my car."

I drive another 2 minutes because, lets face it, I was at a good part in the book.

Finally I pull over, and watch the conga line disappear into the night.
I step out of my car. Everything is eerily silent. A silence only people, like myself, that have grown up in the middle of nowhere would be familiar with. Or...perhaps someone that has skied alone before...
The road and forests/mountains surrounding me are glowing blue from the moonlight. My skate-shoes crunch through the snow as I make my way around to the suspect tire.
Huh, I guess I should have worn more than shorts and a white t-shirt.
A piece of the tire chain is broken off, not nearly as bad as it sounded. So I wrap it around the other chains to keep it from whipping around, and think to myself "I should get a picture of this."

Still no car in sight, I put the convertible top down, walk 15 feet behind the car, and take a picture of me in summer-wear giving a thumbs up.
My hands were too numb to navigate the menu of the camera, unfortunately this is what I captured.


Oh well. I guess I could try and convince people I was being attacked by a phantom with glowing red eyes...but I guess it's too late for that.

Finally I got to the bottom of the huge mountain, and men dawning the same yellow suits were hailing traffic over to take the tire chains off.
"Hi!" I chime to one of the men, "About time I can take these damn things off!"
He laughs with me and then says, "That'll be $50."

My jaw drops for the second time tonight. Well...not including the part where Harry is accused of turning his teacher's cat into stone.

So I pull my car off to the side, and walk up to a different gentlemen. "Hey, I have no idea how to get these chains off my tires. Would you mind just showing me what I need to do, and I'll take it from there?"
"Sorry kid, it'll cost $50."
"Yeah, well thing is, I gave my last $61 to the guy that put the chains on."
"Sorry then, I'm busy."
"Thanks buddy. I hope someday you get stuck in the middle of nowhere and no one bothers to help you out."
His eyes got wide. I walked away.

I walk up to two Mexicans taking the tires off their van, "Hey guys, would you mind showing me how you're taking those chains off so I can do mine?" They talk to each other in Spanish, something I've grown quite accustom too.
"Yeah mang, hang on a sec."
When they finished up they walked me over to my car and actually just took my chains off for me, and then took a minute to show me how it worked so that I would know next time.

I think this conveys an important message to all you right wing mother fuckers out there. It's you assholes that won't take the time of day to help out a fellow "American," yet two fucking Mexicans that barely even speak English, let alone probably aren't even legal citizens, were decent enough to offer help to another human that fucking needed it.

GOD I fucking hate America's society and it's fucking "Fear your neighbor" attitude.

30 minutes later I arrived at my parents, shaking with: frustration, caffeine, and excitement that Harry was let off the hook THIS time. (Gryffindor only lost 5 points, so not big loss)

April 22nd
-----------
Spent the day with my folks. Did things like watch "The Illusionist" and "The Prestige."
BACK TO BACK!
I was excited to see "The Prestige" a second time. I think it's one of the greatest movies of '07, and it went by extremely under-rated. Plus the surprise ending makes the 2nd viewing a whole different experience...
BRUCE WILLIS WAS ALREADY DEAD!!!
Wait...wrong movie...

I also spent a couple hours going through old boxes of childhood stuff, trying to find some stuff to throw out.
Let the photographic adventures begin!


This is my mom, who goes by the names "Derek's mom" and "Mrs. Heck: bride to Satan himself." Not to sound to much like a mama's boy, but most people can't believe she's in her late 40's.
I have a feeling she wouldn't want me putting this picture up on the interweb...


Valentine from Elise

One of the most exciting things I found was my box of Elise's old letters to me. See, I have this thing about keeping everything ex's give to me. I usually put the notes, cards, etc. in a designated bag, and those bags end up in a specific box once the relationship has ended.
Then typically a few years later they don't believe me and say I threw their stuff out, so then I dig out said box and prove to them that I'm creepy than they thought.

Fun Fact: Brenna is the only ex with her own box.

So now my parents are in possession of all of this stuff. Since I'm probably going to Japan, or at the very least moving into a studio apartment, I needed to give them everything I don't absolutely plan on using in the next year or two. Once I have a bigger place...or HOUSE for that matter, I will knock on their door like the Grim Reaper himself, and collect all of that which belongs to me....

Here's the rest of that Valentine. Good luck trying to figure that shit out ;)


Page 1


Page 2


Page 3


Back


These are the written rules to THE CULT Elise and I started. Not for the faint of heart...mainly because it involves a lot of salt.


While I'm at it, this one goes directly to Elise- I fucking found this beanie baby among my toys. What are the fucking chances that I randomly nicknamed your ex "Pinchers"? It must have been in my subconscious.


Awwww look, it's Eli when his hair was down to his waist.
'Sigh'
Twas the time of parties of burn, car washes with bikinis and residents of evil.


This is one of my college notebooks. "King Monkey Hammer" was a nickname created in a history class I shared with Kai. It had something to do with an ancient ruler who's name directly translated into something equally absurd...the details are blurry.
The Japanese writing of course stems from my Japanese classes. The ones in which I'd return from and my roommate Neil would blast the song "I think I'm turning Japanese!"
I wonder if he knew the song was actually about girls giving blow jobs and getting their faces cummed on. Seriously, that's what it's talking about.


This was a comic originally created circa 1991 by one of my all-time best friends, Zach S.

The series would be continued over the next few years, the artwork gradually being refined, and as falsely proclaimed in the top left corner EVENTUALLY be released in full color!

I have BINDERS full of this comic series.

FUN FACT: Notice the curved "D" in "Dekekmister"? That was the beginning of what would eventually become my instantly recognizable signature. I bet you never expected to learn that from my blog huh?


When my sister and I were young, every morning we would fight over who would get to use the fork/spoon with the red wagon on it. There was another similar set that substituted the picture of the wagon with a toy truck.
That set was fucking garbage.
(The importance of this was due to the fact that we owned a red wagon)


This is a letter my mom wrote to herself and my father so that they could read it at my wedding.


Part of my rock collection.

Some day when the Earth is flooded by melted glacial ice caps (due to greenhouse gases), these rocks will be worth BAAAAAAjillions!!!

and Kevin Costner and I will be RICH!

'clears throat'....


This is kind of a preface to the next item up.

I'd like to make note that, as stated in the above picture, it took no less than SIX teachers to help me create this fucking project.
I have a feeling the "word processor" is really going to catch on.


I present to you: A dinosaur with a star-patterned cape and sword...fighting a stegosaurus...while being attacked by a plane.

Apparently that is what the crack team of 6 teachers had taught me?

Annnnnd none of them even bothered to correct my spelling of "dinAsaurs"...I guess spell-check didn't exist yet.


In the years to come my writing would evolve into books like this.


I'm not too sure why the criminal is a cyclops...but I am glad to report that I eventually learned the use of commas.


Land Before Time was the fucking shit. As was my Castle of Grey Skull (in the bin).


He-Man and Liono kicked ass on a daily basis. Liono had light up eyes though, so he was automatically better.


Last, but not least, I stumbled upon my signed photograph of Sarah Michelle Gellar. Older friends will recognize this as the center of my shrine (a.k.a. room). And yes, SHE signed it. The ink bled through a little bit on the back, so SUCK it.

April 23rd
-----------
I departed for San Fransisco, as time for the interview as falling upon me. But this time I was going with the fucking ROOF DOWN. (Remember? Convertible...?)


Road out of my parents house. I'd say this is a good representation of EVERY day in L.A.


The mountains behind me are the view my parents have from their front porch.

FUN FACT: Yes. I DID take all of these pictures by myself.

As my friend's (Ryan) father once told me, "Every man needs to learn how to drive with one hand, that way you can use the other to drink soda, eat hamburgers, and whack it when you're bored."


Notice the lack of snow?


The "Free Gas" sign behind me was a lie. A complete and utter lie.


Pretty much the typical Nevada landscape.


Goddamn! That handsome man is on a fucking MISSION.


Alright, so this is about the point where I hit "Donner's Pass" and start going up-hill.


The temperature slowly dropped to around 30 degrees. But combining the power of the sun's rays and the cars heat that I cranked up, I was pleasantly comfortable.
Harry Potter was solving some mad shit too.


I want to skiiiiiiiiiiiii sooooooo baaaaaaadddddddd!


Right now Satan is on a Harley chasing me with a cloud of blood-lust bats. But they're in my blind spot.


Once I dropped down out of "Donner's Pass" the snow was gone again, and the rest of the drive was very similar to the pictures at the beginning of this part.


Approaching the San that is Francisco.


Hopefully I'll be checked into my hotel before the vampires come out.


Dirty windshield...


Golden my ass!


Sooooo what happens if you run out of gas before you get to the other end?


Oh jesus. Who let the art fag in...

And how the fuck is Derek driving while achieving these photographic masterpieces? Well, let's just say Little Derek helped out.


Dear friends that don't live in California,

Move to fucking California.


Notice the excellent usage of the 1/3 rule and vertical lines?

Oh, and the security camera in the girders.


Lalalalala....


Yup...more city...


Annnnd that's it!

I checked into my hotel, had my interview and don't want to type any more so I'll talk more about it later.
Especially if I actually get the job ;)

Drove back to L.A., and now I'm about 1/3 of the way through Harry Potter's 3rd book!

Coachella starts tomorrow night, so the next post will most likely be based around that. Then I'll be shooting that TV show all next month (the prep is tomorrow morning)...exciting times people. Exciting times.

Unfortunately a good portion of you readers are still on the East coast...how much will it take to convince you that there are so many reasons to move here, or at least come and see it!

Well, Steve is excused, he's finally moving here ;)

And you schmucks that do live around me, GET OUT AND SEE THIS SHIT IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY!!!

Piece.