Too legit! Too legit to quit!
ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH WRITING THIS ESSAY THE AREA I LIVE IN BURST INTO FLAMES.
Coincidence? I think not.
(pictures will be posted in the next update)
Holy mother of fucking god. I think I just hit a goldmine of ranting material. It just so happens that it coincides with an upcoming holiday, one of my fave five to be precise (jesus, tmobile is really gettin to me).
Derek's Favorite Holidays (Mainly Based On Their Absolute Absurdity)
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5)YomM Kipppperrrrr
4)Chinese New Year
3)Rash shash shash hanna shanna
2)Easter
1)Passover (NEW!)
Derek Critiques the Tradition of Passover Due To His Lack Of Employment:
(Text in the color White is quoted straight from Wikipedia. Although this site is not to be considered 100% correct, even though it always is, this specific article on the Jewish holiday of Passover is a LOCKED article which has been deemed accurate by the Jewish community...all 2 of them...OOOoooo BURN!)
Side note before you start: Goyim is not a character from Lord of the Rings (it's Jewish slang for "non-jew cracka' motha' fucka'")
Also, I apologize for this whole thing. It started as a funny idea, and snowballed into something extremely offensive.
Of which I am extremely proud.
A Summary of Passover:
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Passover ( פֶּסַח, to all my Jewish homeboys out there), also called the "Festival of Unleavened Bread" (חַג הַמַּצּוֹת) is a Jewish holiday which is celebrated in the northern spring.
It begins on the 15th day of Nisan (which also happens to be a CHEAP sub-quality car I assume Jews would tend to favor), which in 2007 arrives at nightfall on April 2- THIS short of being an April fools joke.
Passover commemorates the Exodus and freedom of the Israelites from ancient Egypt. As described in the Book of Exodus, Passover marks the "birth" (get used to symbolism, this religion is FULL OF IT) of the Children of Israel who become the Jewish nation, as the Jews' ancestors were freed from being slaves of Pharaoh and allowed simply to become followers of God instead.
Derek Religious Fact #1:
It was also decided at that point that their religion anthem would be "Walk Like An Egyptian" by The Bangles.
The two names for the holiday are a coalescence of two related celebrations. The name Passover (Pesakh, meaning "skipping" or passing over) derives from the night of the TENTH PLAGUE!!!
RAWWWWW!!!!!!!!
'heavy metal guitar wail'
When the ANGEL OF DEATH
RAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
'heavy metal guitar wail'
saw the blood of the Passover lamb on the doorposts of the houses of Israel and "skipped over" them and did not kill their firstborn.
The meal of the Passover Seder commemorates this event.
Hard core.
The name "Feast of Unleavened Bread" (Chag Ha'Matsot) refers to the weeklong period when leaven has been removed, and unleavened bread or matzo ("flatbread") is eaten. (To be discussed later on)
Together with Sukkot ("Tabernacles") and Shavuot ("Pentecost"), Passover is one of the three pilgrim festivals (Shloshet Ha'Regalim) during which the entire Jewish populace made a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, at the time when the Temple in Jerusalem was standing.
Apparently it wasn't built to last. I guess they opted for the cheaper materials. OOOOOoooooooo!!!
In Israel, Passover is a 7-day holiday, with the first and last days celebrated as a full festival (involving abstention from work, special prayer services and holiday meals). In the Jewish diaspora outside Israel, the holiday is traditionally celebrated for 8 days (although Reform Jews celebrate for 7 days), with the first two days and last two days celebrated as full festivals. The intervening days are known as Chol HaMoed ("festival weekdays").
The primary symbol of Passover is the matzo, a flat, unleavened "bread" which recalls the hurriedly-baked bread that the Israelites ate after their hasty departure
Correction: Tasty departure.
from Egypt. According to Halakha, matzo may be made from flour derived from five types of grain: wheat, barley, spelt, oats, rye. The dough for matzo is made when flour is added to water only and from the time the water hits the flour to the time the matzo comes out of the oven has to be 18 minutes exactly or less.
Or it will turn into a Gremlin.
Many Jews observe the positive Torah commandment of eating matzo on the first night of Passover at the Passover Seder, as well as the Torah prohibition against eating or owning Chametz which includes any leavened products — such as bread, cake, cookies, beer, whiskey or pasta (or anything made from raw dough that had been left alone for more than 18 minutes, as it then begins to ferment) — for the duration of the holiday.
So basically, "Atkins' Diet" with a dash of prohibition.
Origins of the Festival:
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The term Pesach (פֶּסַח) or, more exactly, the verb "pasàch" (פָּסַח) is first mentioned in the Torah account of the Exodus from Egypt (Exodus 12:23). It is found in Moses' words that God "will pass over" the houses of the Israelites during the final plague of the Ten Plagues of Egypt, the killing of the first-born.
Derek Religious Fact #2:
Previously it was written that the "Angel of Death" would pass over the houses, yet now it is stated that "God" would pass over them. Therefore it can be derived that Jews worship what they call Curmudgeon or, more exactly, "God of Death: Killer of the First Born." This explains why Jewish moms are so uptight.
On the night of that plague, which occurred on the 15th day of Nisan (Sentra),the Israelites smeared their lintels and doorposts with the blood of the Passover sacrifice and were spared.
Then they all turned to each other and said, "Do you know what a lintel is?"
Jew #1: "No, I just kinda skipped that part..."
Jew #2: "Yeah, I just painted my gutter, seemed like it'd be close enough."
There is some debate about the exact meaning of the verb pasàch (פָּסַח) as it appears in Exodus. The commonly held assumption that it means "he passed over", stems from the translation provided in the Septuagint (παρελευσεται in Ex. 12:23, and εσκεπασεν in Ex. 12:27). Judging from other instances of the verb, and instances of parallelism, a more faithful translation may be "he hovered over, guarding." Indeed, this is the image used by Isaiah by his use of this verb in Isaiah. 31:5: "As birds hovering, so will the Lord of hosts protect Jerusalem; He will deliver it as He protecteth it, He will rescue it as He passeth over" (כְּצִפֳּרִים עָפוֹת--כֵּן יָגֵן יְהוָה צְבָאוֹת, עַל-יְרוּשָׁלִָם; גָּנוֹן וְהִצִּיל, פָּסֹחַ וְהִמְלִיט.)
Stop!!! Hold the fucking horses. There's debate over the phrase "Pass Over," and that a more faithful translation would be "Hover Over"!?!
Rabbi #1: "Yeah, I dunno man, Hover Over sounds kinda gay."
Rabbi #2: "Yeah, lets just stick with Pass Over, I doubt anyone will notice."
Jesus-fucking-Christ...
The term Pesach also refers to the lamb or kid which was designated as the Passover sacrifice (called the Korban Pesach in Hebrew). Four days before the Exodus, the Israelites were commanded to set aside a lamb or kid (Exodus 12:3)
(Assumabley not their first born)and inspect it daily for blemishes. During the day on the 14th of Nisan (Xterra),they were to slaughter the animal and use its blood to mark their lintels and doorposts. Up until midnight on the 15th of Nisan, they were to consume the lamb. Each family (or group of families) gathered together to eat a meal that included the meat of the Korban Pesach while the Tenth Plague ravaged Egypt.
Now that's just fucked up.
Derek Religious Fact #3:
It is a very little-known fact that the lambs themselves were also told by their God, Lord Mutton, that they themselves must spread mint jelly on the doors of their stables to ward of the "Human of Death."
Foreseen in their Tenth Plague were devilish humans who would come in the night to slaughter the first born of lamb. The human beasts would then spread the blood on the doorways of their human lairs, as they devoured the meat acquired from the ravaged lamb villages.
In subsequent years, during the existence of the Tabernacle and later the Temple in Jerusalem, the Korban Pesach was eaten during the Passover Seder on the 15th of Nisan. However, following the destruction of the Temple, no sacrifices may be offered or eaten. The story of the Korban Pesach is therefore retold at the Passover Seder, and the symbolic food which represents it on the Seder Plate is usually a roasted lamb shankbone, chicken wing, or chicken neck.
Because nothing says delicious Jewish dinner like a giant fucking shankbone in the middle of the table.But, ya know, a fucking chicken wing (buffalo style?!) or neck will do...because that's KINDA like a fucking lamb.
The English term "Passover" came into the English language through William Tyndale's translation of the Bible, and later appeared in the King James Version as well.
It's like inbreeding, but with books. Way to follow an inbred retard book people.
Although the term Pesach is not mentioned until the Book of Exodus, there are indications in traditional Jewish sources that at least parts of the feast were observed in earlier times. For example, Genesis 19:3 refers to the "matzot" which Lot served his angelic guests. According to Rashi, quoting Talmud Yoma 28b, the Patriarchs and their families intuited the celebration of all the Jewish holidays, as well as the mitzvot which God would command in the future through the giving of the Torah, and kept the mitzvoth voluntarily.
The dude's name was "Lot"!? Lemme guess, his parents go by the name of Branjolina?
Commandments:
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Korban Pesach
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When the Temple was standing, the focus of the Passover festival was the Korban Pesach (lit. "Pesach sacrifice," also known as the "Paschal Lamb"). Every family (or, if the family was too small to finish eating the entire offering in one sitting, group of families) was required to offer a young lamb or kid at the Jewish Temple on the afternoon of the 14th day of Nisan (Numbers 9:11), and eat it that night, which was the 15th of Nisan (Exodus 12:6). The offering could not be slaughtered while one was in possession of leaven (Exodus 23:18).
Which was enforced by Santa Claus.
It had to be roasted (Exodus 12:9) and eaten together with matzo and maror (Exodus 12:8). One had to be careful not to break any bones from the offering (Exodus 12:46). None of the meat could be left over until morning (Exodus 12:10, 23:18).
So you can slaughter the goddamn thing and spread it's blood on your fucking walls...but don't you dare break any of it's bones.
Because of the Korban Pesach's status as a sacred offering, the only people allowed to eat it are those who have the obligation to bring the offering. Among those who can not offer or eat the Korban Pesach are: An apostate (Exodus 12:43), a servant (Exodus 12:45), an uncircumcised man (Exodus 12:48),
Take that turtle necks!
a person in a state of ritual impurity, except when a majority of Jews are in such a state (Pesahim 66b).
Hahaha, so you can't if you're impure...Oh! Unless everyone is impure...then it's ok.
The offering must be made before a quorum of 30 (Pesahim 64b). In the Temple, the Levites sing Hallel while the Kohanim perform the sacrificial service. Men and women are equally obligated regarding the Korban Pesach (Pesahim 91b).
Women were obligated, as well as men, to perform the Korban Pesach and to participate in a Seder.
Kinda sounds like they're making a porn.Today, in the absence of the Temple, the mitzvah of the Korban Pesach is memorialized in the form of a symbolic food placed on the Passover Seder Plate, which is usually a roasted shankbone. Ashkenazic Jews have a custom of not eating lamb or goat during the Seder in deference to the absence of the Temple. Many Sephardic Jews, however, have the opposite custom of eating lamb or goat meat during the Seder in memory of the Korban Pesach.
I asked a bunch of Jews what was up with the Ashkenazics and Sephardics. Basically its kind of like black people that think it's ok to say nigger vs. the black people that don't think it's ok.
Matzo
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A commandment to eat matzo on the first night of Passover, and to only eat matzo during the week of Passover Exodus 12:18. The eating of matzo figures prominently in the Passover Seder.
There are several explanations for the eating of matzo on Passover. Some suggest that it is because the Hebrews left Egypt with such haste that there was no time to allow the bread to rise and thus flat bread, matzo, is a reminder of the Exodus.
Which is the tale almost every Jew will tell you (I suspect this is because it falls in line with their typical Jewish "woe is me" story).
Yet this still makes no sense to me. When you make matzo you basically take out the yeast, therefore forcing the bread from being able to rise.
The Old Skool Jews didn't cut any ingredients out. They were being chased across the desert, because no one likes them, and they simply didn't have enough time to let the bread bake long enough to leaven.
Christians call this "Half-Cooked Dough."
So what compelled the Jews to create a long-standing tradition of subtracting the yeast from the bread instead of reducing the baking time which would have been historically accurate? One can only imagine it's a result of one of two theories:
A) They were to stupid to realize they could completely recreate this historical incident by simply re-enacting it.
B) There was a unanimous decision that they could save a couple pennies by not buying yeast.
Other scholars teach that in the time of the Exodus, matzo was commonly baked for the purpose of traveling because it preserved well and was light to carry. They suggest that matzo was baked intentionally for the long journey ahead.
Now to me this is much more understandable. But then again, why would the Jewish religion want to be known for it's forethought when they could dwell/brood/mull over a story that involves pain and suffering.
Matzo has also been called - Lechem Oni - or poor man's bread. Passover is a time to be humbled and remember what it is like to be a poor slave. In this explanation, matzo serves as a symbol to appreciate freedom and avoid the puffed ego symbolized by leavened bread[2].
Case in point.
Chametz
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Chametz (חמץ, "leavening") refers to either a grain product that is already fermented (e.g. bread, cake, and pasta) or a substance that can ferment grain products (e.g. yeast or sourdough). During Passover, the only grain product that can be owned or eaten is one in which flour and water have not combined for more than 18-22 minutes—i.e. matzo.
I'll be god damned, earlier I thought you said it had to be 18 minutes or less. But hey, what's another 4 minutes, this isn't chemistry...it's...baking...
Is it me, or did they lose sight of the fact that the only thing they are celebrating is a Cannonball Run through the desert? Cutting out grain products that can OR are fermented doesn't necessarily convey the historical significance of what was going on back then.
Do you honestly think the slaves didn't have time to pack a couple brewskies for the trip? Because they DID man. The did.
And why the sudden emphasis on things that are grain? I don't see Jews eating cactus in memory of this event, and I'll bet you a fucking Jewish dollar a bunch of them were forced to eat cactus at some point.
Derek Religious Fact #4:
The following conversations took place throughout the course of the Judaic time line, and should be considered 100% completely accurate. Because I was there. And I wrote it down.
First they started with celebrating a major hardship in Jewish history:
Jew #1: "They didn't have enough time to let the bread rise? We should note this fact and try not to eat leaven bread in respect to them."
Jew #2: "Yeah man, he's right, we SHOULD do that."
Jew #3: "Yeah, I'm down, that's SYMBOLIC man."
Jew #1: "Pass me the blunt."
Over time the follow conversation took place after a couple Jewish bakers got perschnuckerd:
Baker #1: "We shouldn't put yeast in the bread, that'll keep it from rising! Har har har!"
Baker #2: "YEAH FUCK YEAST!"
Baker #3: "Haha, this is SO much easier than setting a timer!"
Baker #1: "Wooooo no yeast!!!"
Decades later some prudish Jew moms were caught having this conversation while cleaning their son's room:
Mom #1: "I'm sick of my husband making a scene when he drinks all of Pass Over. I wish we could not eat any form of fermented grain whatsoever."
Mom #2: "Yeah! Wouldn't that be nice!"
Mom #3: "Wooooo!!! Let's do it! I'll sleep with the Rabbi and ask him to change it!"
Mom #2: "Yeah! Me too! Oh this is a great idea girls!"
Mom #1: "Yeah! No more beer or whiskey!!! WOOOO!!"
The next day...
Rabbi #1: "Alright, no more beer or whiskey. It involves...'mumble mumble'...grain fermenting...'mumble'...something."
Dad #1: "Wait, what?"
Dad #2: "Yeah can't we keep beer? I like beer."
Rabbi #1: 'itches crotch' "Yup, sorry boys, that's the way it's gotta be."
Dad #1: "What about wine? That's not grain."
Dad #2: "Yeah, that's not grain!"
Rabbi #1: "Well...they didn't ask for that. Yeah sure. Why the hell not."
Everyone: "Woooo!"
The Torah commandments regarding chametz are:
- To remove all chametz from one's home (Exodus 12:15). (This is normally done before Passover, either by consuming, physically destroying, or selling one's chametz.)
- To refrain from eating chametz or mixtures containing chametz during Passover (Exodus 13:3, Exodus 12:20, Deuteronomy 16:3).
- Not to possess chametz in one's domain (i.e. home, office, car, etc.) during Passover (Exodus 12:19, Deuteronomy 16:4).
Maror
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A commandment to eat Maror, "bitter herbs" (typically, horseradish or romaine lettuce), together with matzo and the Passover sacrifice Exodus 12:8. In the absence of the Temple, Jews cannot bring the Passover sacrifice, according to Halakhah. The commandment to bring the Korban Pesach is fulfilled today, at least symbolically, by the eating of Maror both by itself and together with matzo in a Koreich-sandwich during the Passover Seder (also known as a Hillel sandwich after the most famous rabbi of that name).
And it has been concluded that Jews are fucking sadists. The ONLY explanation for forcing yourself to eat a bitter herb sandwich with shit bread.
Recounting the Exodus
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On the first night of Passover (first two nights outside Israel), a Jew must recount the story of the Exodus from Egypt. This commandment is performed during the Passover Seder.
Well damn. Something that kinda makes sense. Good thing there's not much on the topic.
The Four Cups of Wine
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There is a Rabbinic obligation to drink four cups of wine (or pure grape juice) during the Seder.
I told you those conversations above were real! I TOLD YOU.
This applies to both men and women. The Mishnah says (Pes. 10:1) that even the poorest man in Israel has an obligation to drink.
Bitchin'!
Each cup is connected to a different part of the Seder: The First Cup is for Kiddush, the Second Cup is connected with the recounting of the Exodus, the drinking of the Third Cup concludes Birkat Hamazon and the Fourth Cup is associated with Hallel.
Hallel? Isn't that Superman's real name? Yeah! Pour one out for Superman!
Observances:
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Removal and Sale of Chametz
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In accordance with the mitzvah of not eating or owning leavened products during Passover, religious Jewish families typically spend the weeks before the holiday in a flurry of housecleaning. The purpose is to remove every morsel of fermented grain products (called chametz) from all the cupboards and corners in the home. The search for chametz is often a thorough one, as children's rooms and kitchens are cleaned from top to bottom and forgotten packages or pieces of cookies or crackers are uncovered under beds and inside closets. Although many ensure that not even a crumb of chametz remains, the Halakhah only requires the elimination of olive-sized quantities of leavening from one's possession.
So would that be a Sicilian Olive or a Marche Olive? The latter is quite a bit smaller...you'd think if they were going to be specific enough to mention an olive they'd at least tell us what kind.
Meanwhile, the family attempts to consume or dispose of all edible chametz products (like bread, pasta, cookies, soup mixes, and even non-kosher-for-Passover matzo—which, being designed for year-round use, is allowed to rise for more than 18 minutes before baking) so as to have nothing left by the morning before the holiday begins.
Chametz may also be sold rather than discarded.
Only a Jew would think to try and sell off 2nd-hand fermented grain products larger than olives.
Some Rabbis say it is preferable only to do this when it has a high monetary value (such as liquor which is made from wheat), otherwise it should be discarded, whereas others say all chametz technically may be sold. This sale of chametz is conducted via the community rabbi, who becomes the "agent" for all the community's Jews through a halakhic procedure called a kinyan (acquisition). This kinyan is traditionally performed through a kinyan hagba'ah, which is made by lifting an item belonging to the transactor. Traditionally a yarmulke, handkerchief, or gartel, belonging to the Rabbi is lifted by the one appointing the Rabbi as his agent. In some communities it is customary to pay the Rabbi for this service, however this is not neccessary according to Halachah. Some Rabbis say that post facto one may make the transaction without the kinyan, however the kinyan method is preferable when possible. As the agent, the rabbi will sell all the chametz to a non-Jew for a price to be negotiated after the holiday. In the meantime, the non-Jew is asked to put down a small down payment (e.g. $1.00), with the remainder due after Passover. As soon as the holiday ends, the rabbi will contact the non-Jew, to buy the community's chametz back from him. In practice, it is almost always bought back, with a small profit to the non-Jew.
Alright. What I see right here is a GREAT idea for college kids. They would pay a Jewish family $100 for, basically, a grab bag of liquor and bread- which is pretty much the staple college diet anyways. Whatever they don't consume, they sell back! Possibly even "with a small profit to the non-Jew."
If the non-Jew doesn't want to give anything back, but also doesn't want to pay for it, they could just rub it in pork juice. Then the Jew wouldn't even want it anyways (touching pork makes Jews explode).
There's no way this can't work. (Behold! The power of a double negative!)
This sale is considered completely binding according to Halakha, to the point that each householder must put aside all the chametz he is selling into a box or cupboard and assume that at any time during the holiday, the non-Jewish buyer may come to take or partake of his share.
Haha, those college kids would have quite the time!
Similarly, Jewish store owners who stock leavened food products sell everything in their storeroom to a non-Jew with full knowledge that the new "owner" can claim his property. In the Eastern European shtetls, the Jews, who were often tavern keepers, would sell their chametz in this way to neighboring non-Jews, and risk having the non-Jews enter their cellars to drink all the liquor during the holiday—which they often did.
TOGA! TOGA!
Oh Jews. Will you never learn everyone hates you.
Formal Search for Chametz
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After dark on the 14th of Nisan, a formal search for leavened products (bedikat chametz) is conducted. The head of the house recites a blessing (על ביעור חמץ - al biyur chametz, "on the removal of chametz")
Which roughly translates to the phrase "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"
and proceeds to go from room to room and cupboard to cupboard to make sure that no crumbs remain in any corner. There is a custom to turn off the lights in the room being searched
Already this makes so LITTLE sense it hurts.
and conduct the search using candlelight, a feather and a wooden spoon.
And a mongoose. 'Cause....why the fuck not.
Candlelight effectively illuminates corners without casting shadows;
That's funny because keeping the lights on, and using a flashlight when necessary, would probably achieve the same result. But where's the fun in that when you could risk burning down your house!
(Keep in mind they are turning lights off to do this, so electricity is assumed to exist in this scenario)
the feather can dust crumbs out of their hiding places;
Ok...I'll give you that one, but I'd probably opt for the Swiffer.
and the wooden spoon which collects the crumbs can be burned the next day with the chametz.
Heh. Heh....heh...they're...serious aren't they? Ugh....
Remember when this had to do with the desert...and shit...yeah...yeeeeeeeeeeah.
Traditionally, 10 morsels of bread are carefully wrapped in aluminium foil or plastic and "hidden" around the house before the search begins. This ensures that the head of the house will find some chametz so that his blessing will not be in vain.
It's kind of like stubbing your toe, and then slamming your head into the wall to distract you from the foot pain...except...the example I gave somehow still makes more sense.Burning the Chametz
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In the morning, any leavened products that were found during the search, along with the 10 morsels of bread, are burned (s'rayfat chametz). The head of the household declares any chametz that may not have been found to be null and void "as the dust of the earth" (biyur chametz).
Oh, so if there is still some left that you didn't find...it doesn't count. (Did a 6 year-old-write these rules?)
Should more chametz actually be found in the house during the Passover holiday, it must be burnt.
Especially if it's in your wifes vagina.
Hey man, I'm just saying...'cough' yeast infection 'cough'
Unlike chametz, which can be eaten any day of the year except during Passover, kosher for Passover foodstuffs can be eaten on Passover and year-round. They need not be burnt after the holiday ends.
Well what the FUCK! Why don't you just make everything Passover friendly so we don't have to worry about this shit!!! God...damn.....make everything so difficult.
Matzo Baking
--------------
The weeks before Passover are also the time for the baking of the matzos which will be eaten during the holiday. In Orthodox Jewish communities, men traditionally gather in groups (chaburos) to bake
WHOA! Hang on...THAT...IS...SO.......GAY.
a special version of handmade matzo called shmura matzo ("guarded matzo", referring to the fact that the wheat is guarded from contamination by chametz from the time it is cut in the summer until it is baked into matzos for the following Passover). Since the dough is rolled by hand, shmura matzos come out large and round. Chaburos also work together in machine-made matzo factories, which produce the typically square-shaped matzo sold in stores.
The baking process is a time-consuming job, as each batch of dough can only be worked on from start to finish (from mixing the flour and water to removing from the oven) for 18-22 minutes, depending on custom. Consequently, only a small amount of matzos can be baked at one time. The chabura members are enjoined to constantly work the dough so that it is not allowed to ferment and rise. A special cutting tool is run over the dough just before baking to create the familiar dotted holes in the matzo. After the 18-22 minutes are up and the matzos come out of the oven, the entire work area is scrubbed down and swept to make sure that no pieces of dough are left behind. By definition, any stray pieces of dough are now chametz, and can invalidate the next batch of matzo if they come in contact with it.
Watch out! It's....THE BLOB!!!
Matzo by-products, such as matzo farfel (broken bits of matzo) and matzo meal (finely-ground matzo) are used as flour substitutes in the baking of Passover cakes and cookies. According to a Hasidic tradition, which forbids the soaking of matzah in water, which is referred to as Gebruchts, some Askenazic Jews (mostly, although not-exclusively, those of Hasidic persuasion or decent) only use such by-products as flour substitutes on the eighth day of Passover (outside of the Holy Land).
8th day? I think they just kinda pulled that number out of their ass...then again, we are arguing over whether or not our delicious Passover cake can come in contact with water...or something...
Instead they use non-grain products, mainly potato starch as a flour substitute during the week of Passover.
Because I'm SURE the Jews that crossed the desert were forced to use potato starch instead of the flour they had available.
PEOPLE! We've got some serious fucking digression going on with these traditions. Either man it up and mourn the lives of your ancestors by not eating whatever the fuck it is you can't eat, but don't start coming up with these bullshit substitutes, you're skirting around the issue!
Passover Dishware
--------------------
Due to the strict separation between matzo products and chametz during Passover, families typically own complete sets of serving dishes, glassware and silverware that are reserved for use during Passover only. Under certain circumstances, some chametz utensils can be immersed in boiling water (hagalat keilim) to purge them of any traces of chametz they have accumulated throughout the year. Many Sephardic families thoroughly wash their year-round glassware and then use it for Passover, as the Sephardic position is that glass does not absorb enough traces of food to present a problem.
Sephardics kinda make more sense in this instance...then again...we're talking about autistic vs. retarded here.
Fasting:
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In the morning before Passover, the fast of the firstborn takes place. This fast commemorates the salvation of the Israelite firstborns during the Plague of the Firstborn (according to the Book of Exodus, the tenth of ten plagues wrought upon ancient Egypt prior to the Exodus of the Children of Israel), when, according to Exodus (12:29): "...God struck every firstborn in the Land of Mitzrayim (ancient Egypt)...."
Soooooo the lamb blood thing...didn't work?
(In scientific reality what was really going on then? Was there a plague? I mean, obviously lambs blood didn't help jack shit, so was everyone just dying? I doubt nothing happened, SOMETHING had to have happened. My money is on syphilis.)
In practice, however, most firstborns only fast until the end of the morning prayer service in synagogue.
Because a little malnutrition is better than none at all.
After all, didn't Jews originally save their firstborns so they could later starve them?
This is due to the widespread custom for a member of the congregation to conduct a siyum (ceremony marking the completion of a section of Torah learning) right after services and invite everyone to partake in a celebratory meal. According to widespread custom, partaking of this meal removes one's obligation to fast.
So many ways to cheat! If all of these traditions are so important why doesn't someone lay down some concrete rules!? Tough it up and be a REAL Jew, or get the fuck out and be a Scientologist.
Holiday Observances:
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In the Land of Israel the holiday lasts seven days and the first and last days are major holidays in which, in Orthodox and Conservative Judaism, no work is performed and most of the observances of Shabbat are adhered to. The Seder is conducted on the first night.
Outside the Land of Israel, in Orthodox and Conservative Judaism, the holiday lasts eight days, and the first two days and last two days are major holidays. A Seder is conducted twice, on both the first and second nights.
In the intermediate days neccessary work can be performed, however superflouous work not related to the enjoyment of the holiday is generally considered to be forbidden unless it will incur a considerable loss.
Ah yes, celebrate the hardships of your brethren by inflicting them symbolically on yourself...and then partying it up for a week!!! WOW WOW!!!This all makes perfect sense now.
The Passover Seder:
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It is traditional for a Jewish family to gather on the first night of Passover (first two nights outside the land of Israel) for a special dinner called a Seder (סדר—derived from the Hebrew word for "order", referring to the very specific order of the ritual).
Oh man, I've heard a lot about this dinner, this should get gooooood....
This is to fulfill the Biblical dictum of "You should tell your child on that day", which is understood to be an obligation of retelling the story of the Exodus on the night of Passover, even if one is alone.
And I quote, "EVEN if one is ALONE." You can't make this kind of shit up.
The table is set with the finest china and silverware (if it is kosher for Passover) to reflect the importance of this meal.
Get it? REFLECT? Hahaha..ha...heh...he.....what can I say, I'd be funnier if I was Jewish.
During this meal, the story of the Exodus from Egypt is retold using a special text called the Haggadah. Four cups of wine are consumed at various stages in the narrative. The Haggadah divides the night's procedure into these 15 parts:
1. Kadeish קדש (Recital of Kiddush blessing and drinking of the First Cup of Wine)
And we're off to a pretty good start eh!?
2. Urchatz ורחץ (The washing of the hands)
Huh, shouldn't that be the first thing?
3. Karpas כרפס (Dipping of the Karpas in salt water)
4. Yachatz יחץ (Breaking the middle matzo; the larger piece becomes the afikoman which is eaten later during the ritual of Tzafun)
5. Maggid מגיד (Retelling the Passover story, as mandated in Scripture, including the recital of the "Four Questions" and drinking of the Second Cup of Wine)
"Four Questions," lemme guess...What is your favorite COLOR!?!
Blue! No, YELLOOOOOOooooooooo....
6. Rachtzah רחצה (Second washing of the hands)
Annnnd now we're germ-aphobes...
7. Motzi מוציא (Traditional blessing before eating bread products)
Holy...fucking....shit. You're kidding right? After everything we just went through you're STILL eating fucking bread!?! Did you learn NOTHING from the above?!?
8. Matzo מצה (Blessing before eating matzo, the eating of which is required by Scripture)
9. Maror מרור (Eating of the maror, the eating of which was required by Scripture in Temple times, yet is presently a Rabbinically enacted obligation to fulfill the Scriptural command)
10. Koreich כורך (Eating of a sandwich made of matzo and maror)
MMMmmmm bitter crusty sandwhich. My favorite part. Can I dip it in the lamb shank?
11. Shulchan Oreich שולחן עורך (lit. "set table"—the serving of the holiday meal)
Whoa! We didn't even start the main course yet? Damn...this shit's like Olive Garden (Red Lobster if you're nasty).
12. Tzafun צפון (Eating of the afikoman)
That's that soy sauce right? (Get it? Kikkoman?...ok, that was a long shot)
13. Bareich ברך (Blessing after the meal and drinking of the Third Cup of Wine)
14. Hallel הלל (Recital of the Hallel Psalms, traditionally recited on festivals; drinking of the Fourth Cup of Wine)
15. Nirtzah נירצה (Conclusion, including traditional hymns)
According to Halachah, the Seder must begin after the time when the stars come out and not earlier (depending on various customs, between 40-72 minutes after sunset). However it is suggested that the commencement of the Seder should not be postponed too late, in order that young children could participate in some part of the night as well.
I figured I'd let that first line sink in a little. THE STARS ARE ALWAYS FUCKING OUT YOU FUCKING MORON!!!
Anal sex, although considered unusual, should not be one of these practices.
The children are also rewarded with nuts and candies when they ask questions and participate in the discussion of the Exodus and its aftermath.
As well as when they hang out with pedophiles.
Likewise, they are encouraged to search for the afikoman, the piece of matzo which is the last thing eaten at the Seder. The child or children who discover the hiding place of the afikoman are rewarded with a prize or money.
But since we are talking about Jews here...probably not money. Most likely closer to:
Audience participation and interaction is the rule, and many families' Seders last long into the night with animated discussions and much singing. The Seder concludes with additional songs of praise and faith printed in the Haggadah, including Chad Gadya ("One Kid Goat").
The scary thing, and I'm serious, is that when I mentioned Chad Gadya (the song about the "One Kid Goat") to a Jew-Girl-Friend, she got excited.
The Christian story of the Last Supper is held by some to have been about a Passover seder.
But then everyone stared at Jesus blankly when he tried to convince them the meal was about him about to die, and not Jew slaves making an epic traverse across the desert.
"Did someone say DESSERT!" Jesus exclaimed.
The Holiday Week:
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Like the holiday of Sukkot, the intermediary days of Passover are known as Chol HaMoed (festival weekdays) and are imbued with a semi-festive status. It is a time for family outings and picnic lunches of matzo, hardboiled eggs, fruits and vegetables and Passover treats such as macaroons and homemade candies.
Oh boy! Hardboiled eggs AND macaroons!? What joy!
The prohibition against eating leavened food products and regular flour during Passover results in the increased consumption of potatoes, eggs and oil in addition to fresh milk and cheeses, fresh meat and chicken, and fresh fruit and vegetables. To make a "Passover cake," recipes call for potato starch or "Passover cake flour" (made from finely granulated matzo) instead of regular flour, and a large amount of eggs (8 and over) to achieve fluffiness. Cookie recipes use matzo farfel (broken bits of matzo) or ground nuts as the base. For families with Eastern European backgrounds, borsht, a soup made with beets, is a Passover tradition.
Some hotels, resorts, and even cruise ships across America, Europe and Israel also undergo a thorough housecleaning and import of Passover foodstuffs to make their premises "kosher for Pesach", with the goal of attracting families for a week-long vacation. Besides their regular accommodations and on-site recreational facilities, these hotels assemble a package of lectures given by a "rabbi in residence," children's activities, and tours to entertain Passover guests. Each meal is a demonstration of the chefs' talents in turning the basic foodstuffs of Passover into a culinary feast.
Wow. Those Jews really know how to live it up...woo.
Once again: Hotels, resorts and cruise ships don't necessarily reflect what is being celebrated here people.
Unless I skipped the chapter about the Jewish slaves taking Moses' Carnival cruise ship to Hollywood.
Counting of the Omer:
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Beginning on the second night of Passover, the 16th day of Nisan, Jews begin the practice of the Counting of the Omer, a nightly reminder of the approach of the holiday of Shavuot 50 days hence. Each night after the evening prayer service, men and women recite a special blessing and then enumerate the day of the Omer. On the first night, for example, they say, "Today is the first day in (or, to) the Omer"; on the second night, "Today is the second day in the Omer." The counting also involves weeks; thus, the seventh day is commemorated, "Today is the seventh day, which is one week in the Omer." The eighth day is marked, "Today is the eighth day, which is one week and one day in the Omer," etc.
It's like 99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall, but even more redudant.
When the Holy Temple stood in Jerusalem, the Omer was an actual offering of a measure of barley, which was offered each day between the 16th of Nisan and the eve of Shavuot. Since the destruction of the Temple, this offering is brought in word rather than deed.
I shall propose to Anheuser-Busch with this knowledge to which I am now privy, to construct a temple of beer disguised as the Holy Temple, resulting in heaps of free barley.
One explanation for the Counting of the Omer is that it shows the connection between Passover and Shavuot. The physical freedom that the Israelites achieved at the Exodus from Egypt was only the beginning of a process that climaxed with the spiritual freedom they gained at the giving of the Torah at Mount Sinai. Another explanation is that the newborn nation which emerged after the Exodus needed time to learn their new responsibilities vis-a-vis Torah and mitzvot before accepting God's law. The distinction between the Omer offering—a measure of barley, typically animal fodder—and the Shavuot offering—two loaves of wheat bread, human food—symbolizes the transition process.
Basically they just aren't sure what the fuck they are supposed to be doing or why they should be doing it.
Seventh Day of Passover:
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Shvi'i shel Pesach (שביעי של פסח "seventh [day] of Passover") is another full Jewish holiday, with special prayer services and festive meals. Outside the Land of Israel in the Jewish diaspora, Shvi'i shel Pesach is celebrated on both the seventh and eighth days of Passover.
Throwing complete disregard to the wind despite it's literal name "Seventh Day of Passover."
This holiday commemorates the day the Children of Israel reached the Red Sea and witnessed both the miraculous "Splitting of the Sea," the drowning of all the Egyptian chariots, horses and soldiers that pursued them, and the Passage of the Red Sea. According to the Midrash, only Pharaoh was spared to give testimony to the miracle that occurred.
Unfortunately no one remembered to bring the camera.
On the eighth day of Passover it is customary in some communities to be less stringent in certain customs, such as the custom to refrain from soaking matzah in water, which are considered to be extra stringencies for the first seven days. This is seen by many Hasidic Jews as an opportunity to express the unity of all Jews, accepting that not everyone can keep extra stringencies.
So they've stringently assigned one day to celebrate the acceptance of stringencies. How...festive.
Hasidic Rebbes traditionally hold a tish on the night of Shvi'i shel Pesach and place a cup or bowl of water on the table before them. They use this opportunity to speak about the Splitting of the Sea to their disciples, and sing songs of praise to God.
They then dispense a packet of Sea Monkeys into the bowl and watch anxiously with their magnifying glasses as their AMAZING LIVE PETS hatch.
In some communities, it is also customary to mark the end of Passover with a special meal, called Seudas Neilas HaChag. The Vilna Gaon saw this as a precious savoring of the mitzvah to eat matzah, which he saw as an opportunity of fulfilling a mitzvah during the entire feast, in accordance with the Scripture "You shall eat unleavened bread for seven days". According to a Hasidic legend, the Baal Shem Tov was rescued from pirates
PIRATES. It's the end of the fucking holiday and we're JUST starting to mention pirates? Fuck this shit. I'm out.
on the Seventh day of Passover, and later enacted an annual celebration of thanksgiving on the final day of Passover (at the end of the eighth day outside of the Holy Land), to celebrate this miracle. Chabad Hasidim call this meal Seudas Mashiach - "The Messiah's Meal", because the traditional haftarah for the eighth day of Passover speaks about the Jewish Messiah.
posted by XIII @ 11:22
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