I was perfectly lonely and sad before you showed up.

FOREWORD
So my "blog"s have always been created with the intention of serving as an auto-biography of sorts, in which case, the past month has been a shining example of how this creates somewhat of a "Catch 22"- resulting in stunning failure.
Essentially- the busier my life becomes, the less time I have to dedicate towards my blog. Therefore, my most timely updates only occur when my life is most uneventful.
How wonderfully disastrous the art of writing can be.

CHAPTER 1:
"And what else floats?"
"Churches?"
"Small rocks!"
(A lesson on witches.)
--------------------------
Unpacking belongings into an apartment is a semi-simple task, for me at least. The difficulty always seems to begin during the aftermath, when I have a pile of papers that I want to keep, but with no home to give them.
My solution as of late has been to take pictures of said papers, which somehow mentally relaxes me into a state where I can discard these sheets of bleached wood particles with complete assurance that come the day I'd like to re-view them I can simply pull up a .jpg file.
What did the OCD do before the age of computers?
They were burned at the stake by fellow villagers. THAT's what they did.
Sufficient proof that the age of computers is responsible for putting an end to the age of witches.

The following are examples of catalogues I dared not discard, but had no reason to keep laying on the coffee table. Digitally archived, I was emotionally prepared to part with them...of course I ended up putting them in a box under my bed anyways.
It's no use trying to reason with us witches.

-----------------------
SoftBank Catalogue:
-----------------------

Again, SoftBank is the Japanese equivalent to America's AT&T. Their catalog's and advertisements have always featured A-list American actors/tresses...don't question Japanese tradition, it won't be reasoned with.
The following is a small sample of the phones available to our Nipponese friends.








If this picture's models were replaced with Caucasian American's it wouldn't make nearly as much sense.


Color-coordinating your electronic devices is serious business over there.

----------------------------
Tokyo Game Show Map:
----------------------------

As you can see, I was given the revised gaijin version. (It's in English)


Floor plan to the show...goddamn that was a day to remember.


Contributing companies. Too bad this downsized picture's resolution is too shitty for you to make them out ;)

CHAPTER 2:
You + Si = Us.
(Baby that's el calculus.)
----------------------------

This. Is a red light. It's lack of short wavelengths, surplus of long wavelengths and generally rebellious attitude to all hues green and blue when it comes to it's subtractive nature, somehow gets you to stop your car when you see it.
Behold the wonders of technology.
And the sheep-like stupidity of human-kind.

While on the topic of the stupidity of humans, check out these sweet pics of when my car got broken into 3 weeks ago.


If you look closely, I'll have you notice that
A) Buddy Christ was of no help as a vehicle protection installation.
B) My "Ace of Base" CD (in the backseat) was left untouched. Obviously the culprits of this robbery have no taste in fine music.


All passengers within my vehicle are now treated to unlimited California-certified AC.
I.E. Smog will be consistently rolling through that permanently "down" window. Eh. The glass was getting dirty anyways. Had a bunch of fingerprints on it. And drawings from when it got fogged up.


I figure I'll just leave the glass there in hopes that future robbers may cut themselves on it.
Perhaps I'll leave a note with a stern warning on it as well.


Look Brenna, for some reason they didn't touch your precious fabric! It may be safe to assume that these robbers weren't old women interested in the art of crochet.
But they did take a tool bag with roughly $500 worth of tools in it from my backseat, so perhaps we can assume they are aspiring camera tech.'s.


Miraculously they didn't think to look inside the glove-box where my satellite radio was being housed, alongside my "Ace of Base" cassette (yes, inside my car are two copies of the greatest album ever recorded, in both cassette and CD format), and various other 90's rock tapes including none other than "Green Day," "System of a Down," "Nine Inch Nails," "The Offspring," and a mix tape with the likes of "Red Red Wine" and "No Woman, No Cry."


Albeit, they did think to look inside my trunk. They helped themselves to some snow chains, a bucket, 2 lawn chairs, a bottle of Rainex TM, a bag of fireworks (you fucking bastards), and a sleeping bag.

Now, I'm not one to racially profile, but lets do some math here:

Tools + Lawn Chairs + Sleeping Bag = ???

Is it me, or is that equation one ranchos huervos away from equalling MEXICAN?

Well the joke is on you, your anonymous mother fuckers. You forgot to take my green umbrella and it rained for 3 days straight after that night. So suck it.

Bitches.

In an unusual happenstance of coincidence, after discovering my vehicles newly acquired weight-reduction modification the director of the show I was working on called and asked if I wanted to carpool to that days location.
I ain't no gods man, but that's some damn coincidence!

Of course Valerie had been pulling away as well, so I had waved her down. Like a true white knight (mounted on it's Nissan manufactured steed) she came back to rescue me, her scruffy-faced princess.

Opting to take a ride from the director (also known as Tony), I was sitting in his passenger seat confusedly torn between outraged and smitten. It's hard to hate when you just spent the night with the girl of your dreams in your arms...

CHAPTER 3:
Top 8 Friends, 5 Faves, Pokes and Woos.
Who is Valerie?
(No going. Only coming.)
-----------------------------
Perhaps you noticed the mention of a new name in the above. If not, you're probably reading this too fast. Settle down man. Get a hot cup of tea, throw on some chill music and relax. This is a sipping blog.


Valerie.

I'm not sure exactly where she came from, some say the depths of the inter-tubes, others claim she was found working the streets of Whittier. But this is for sure: way too many of you ass-hats use FaceBook!
I swear, the moment my profile changed to "In A Relationship" I received roughly 20 IM's and TXT's asking if it was true.
If it was TRUE.
Not, "Who is she?", "When did you get a girlfriend?", or a simple "She's cute.". No no no. It was, "Do you really have a girlfriend?", "Is FaceBook right?", and "Is that a joke or is it serious?"

Of course I was also pretty stunned that so many people pay attention to FaceBook profiles.

I'd be lying if I said I couldn't remember how it all happened, but I don't think it's necessary to hash it all out. I think a few bulleted key moments would suffice.

Dec. 9th, 10:05 p.m.
Valerie: "Oh my god your apartment's awesome! I'm gonna live here!"
Derek: :::I just met her and she's talking about moving in!?:::
This was followed by watching "Reservoir Dogs" and totally making out. Score.

Dec. 13th, 2:23 a.m.
Derek: "Can we move to the bed, I think the couch is eating me."
Valerie: :::Does he really think I won't catch on?:::
This marked the first sleep over, followed by the discovery of my vandalized car in the morning.
We totally made out again.

Dec. 13th, 7:35 p.m.
Derek: "I think you accidentally left your shirt here. You should uh...come forget it again."

Dec. 15th, 2:25 a.m.
Valerie: "I hate sleeping in Jeans."
Derek: :::YESSSSS!:::
("My shirt is chaffing me baby...Aw man! Now my pants are chaffing me too!" -Simpsons)

Dec. 16th, 1:23 a.m.
Valerie: "Oh my god I'm so drunk!"
Derek: "Oh my god I can't even stand, can you help me home!"
Valerie: "Oh my god I need to lay down in your bed, I'm sooo drunk!"
Derek: "Oh my god I'm so drunk can you help me take my clothes off!"
Valerie: "Oh my god I'm so drunk, let's make out!"
Derek: "Oh my god I was so drunk last night! Why is my ass sore!?"
Direct quotes from the car ride home following Don and Matt's X-Mas sweater party.
Unfortunately, neither persons were actually drunk.
Fortunately, that didn't matter.

Dec. 17th, 3:34 p.m.
Valerie: "...I was perfectly lonely and sad before you showed up."

Dec. 17th, 4:13 p.m.
Derek: "Will you be my giraffe?"
Valerie: "Yes, I will be your giraffe."

And that, as they say, was that.

P.S. She beats me.

CHAPTER 4:
Caution- Rattlesnakes
-------------------------


As per usual I don't talk much about the work I'm doing, mainly because I don't want to break any contractual agreements made prior (plus I'm usually too busy to take pictures), but here's a little sneak peak of what I've been up to.


Welcome to Whittier, CA.
Coincidentally a location I was shooting in- as well as the place of residence of Miss Valerie D.

Seriously, we (crew) all laughed when we first heard we'd be shooting in Whittier because no one's ever heard of it before. A week before we shot there I was telling co-workers that I had met a girl from there. We were all equally stunned at many aspects of this statement.


'Scoff'
If it's so dangerous then why do cops carry around glocks with no safeties installed (true story.), as well as a military grade shotgun and M16 (with grenade launcher) in each unit's car?
One would imagine that such "dangerous" equipment shouldn't be brandished by "Safety Officers" hired by public taxes...
Also, I'm no safety expert, but would it be wrong to make accusations that a chain link fence may not provide an adequate amount of protection from live fire...?
Just throwin' it out there...


Dan Man's 70's style cop mustache lead him in the direction of these classic beauties.


#2. Who do you work for!


'record scratch'
"It looks like them Duke booooooooy's is up to no-good-nicks again."


'cue Beastie Boys "Sabotage"'


If you see this unruly gang in your town, soon to follow are copious amounts of raping and pillaging.
And dollying.


Dan Man is sportin' this seasons fashion craze: The Full Apple.


"How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?" (Usual Suspects)

CHAPTER 5:
If you want to destroy my sweater
Pull this thread as I walk away.
---------------------------------------
Ah the annual X-Mas Sweater Party. Has it really been a year already? Well I'll be a turtle dove in a pear tree...
Well break out some warm egg nog and brandy, settle into your favorite recliner with a freshly packed pipe and join the party:


Steve. Redefining classy since '84.


Yours truly.


Wait, was this an X-mas Sweater Party or the '07 Southern California Studio City Chapter Pedophile Convention?


Lurking in an unmarked Ford Econoline van at high school near you.


According to the Greeks, as Plato so eloquently put it, the only type of real love is the love between two men.


That's my girl. And damn-it, that's ma' boy!


Mom and Dad, we have some big news to tell you. I'm pregnant with her baby.


Derek and Don...


...I'll drink to that!

CHAPTER 6:
Who is Parson Brown?
And why are they pretending snowmen are him?
---------------------------------------------------
Nothing says holidays like lost luggage and legalized gambling, so in the Xmas spirit I went to visit my parents in Reno for a week. The following is an account of the snow-filled activities that were in store for me.


Except...um...where's the snow?


The 'rents.
It turns out we have to drive over the border to California (What what! California represent!), and then a few ear-popping miles up into the mountains before we can stomp around in some solid-state H2O. With our solid-state H2O Shoes.


Log.
One of natures most unique treasures. (Also good for lighting on fire.)


I especially like this stump. It has pizzaz.


"You've got Filter Power! Use it!" "SWEET FLARE!"


The is about as close to a winter wonderland as it gets.


Welcome to Chickadee Ridge. (The Hell Mouth of all damned birds.)


I lured him in with promises of limitless sun-seeds and immortality.


I could tell by the darkness in his eyes that we were two tortured souls, bound by the same love for tiny seeds trapped within natures sarcophagus.


It was only a matter of time before he would serve as my dark minion.


After spilling the blood of 3 goats and a virgin, as the full moon waned, the ritual was almost complete.


The Earth parted beneath us as the fires of hell melted the frozen wasteland that surrounded us.


Twas the beginning of the end as the two demons plotted a war against the heavens...


My mom seemed to be having a much more innocent experience.


Until I looked down and her feet and realized she was a ROBOT!


I then commanded my dark minion to peck out her soul.
The deed was done.


Juuuuuust kidding!


My mom was fine :) And it turned out my dark minion was just a hungry bird who had other errands to run.
Fly?


My parents don't often verbally question my ways, but sometimes you can see it in their face...


We took our snow shoes off for this picture, and ended up sinking 8'. Ok, that's a lie. BUT! I did take mine off when I was eating my lunch and my legs did sink in a good 4'. I was surprised how much the shoes actually made a difference.
Guess I shouldn't have complained about them the whole hike...


Our drive back home to Reno from California, as seen out the truck window.


So much...brown...and...white.


Eventually Xmas Eve came along. Turns out my parents kidnapped Rudolph to make sure Santa would visit me this year, as well as give us some negotiating leverage. Especially after last year's "incident"...


We booby-trapped Rudolph with electrical wiring. Just in case Santa tried any funny business.


Then laid out the customary milk and cookies.
You'll notice that the Santa mug's rim is coated with peanut butter. This is a long-standing family tradition in which we coax Santa with sweets in hopes of capturing a piece of his beard in the process. This A)Proves that Santa himself is the one whom drank from the mug, and B)Has apparently pissed him off over the years...eventually leading up to the "incident."
We don't talk about the incident.


SUCCESS! Another year of tricking that fat bastard into drinking from our mug of trickery!


As you can see some fibers of his beard were left behind. SUCK IT SANTA. SUCK IT.


Of course, after hundreds of years of our family following this tradition Santa has become somewhat privy to our trap. So every now and then we have to spice up the deal. This year I think it was the Crown Royal that cinched it.


Mom said she won't decorate for Xmas until we have it at their house in Montana. Of course this raises a few issues, the most glaring one being...the house hasn't even been built yet.
So this year we celebrated with a tree that was literally smaller than most branches on other year's trees.


For Xmas day we went skiing at Northstar, commonly referred to by locals as "Flatstar." I'm not one to talk down a good ski trip...but it was definitely a "family" oriented hill ;)


Of course, being a Lake Tahoe ski resort it was a tad higher class than ANY other resort I've been too.


This shit seriously even put Europe to shame...look at that ice skating rink!


The whole lodge area was comprised of winding cobblestone alleys surrounded with walls of luxurious log and mason structures.
This, as the french would say, is "Le Shit."


It was a great day for skiing. Sunny as hell, and cold as...heaven? As you can see off to the right, the trails were freshly groomed and mostly unoccupied.


Ski tips up!


Mid-way up the mountain you switch over and take a gondola up to the top.
Gondola's are CLASSY.


This was the lake-side view from the very top of the mountain.


If the thought of skiing while looking at this doesn't make your pants tighten, then we have no further business with each other.


Of course seeing as it's Xmas day, and this is an obvious "photo op" spot, a family photograph was inevitable.


I dunno. They seem like a good lookin' crowd.


The goggles are for when I'm going SUPER fast.


SUPER. FAST.


In fact, for the first time EVER I was finally able to beat my dad in a race. Take that old man! (Actually, this was probably mostly due to me having old skool straight skis while he was sporting the the new school curved style that's all the rage.)


I decided to start my first run of the day (and...first run in over 2 years) by going backwards.


It was just like falling off a bike. You never forget how.


In an effort to refrain from sticking my tongue to cold metal poles, I took the following pictures while on chairlifts. Doubt many of you will enjoy them as much as I do, but at least Emily is on my side :)










Iron Horse.
(The trail's name.)
Granted, this wasn't the hardest place to ski, it did have one run that gave me a little rush. I decided it would be a great idea to switch my camera to video mode and bomb down it as fast as I could. The following is me skiing as fast as I possibly can (given the trails incline) in video form.


I had Pelican's "Dead Between The Walls" playing in my headphones while doing this. Just in case you're looking for a recommended soundtrack.


Who's that guy in the stunning jacket!? (Danielle, Mom took this picture for you...don't know why.)

And that was that. After a solid week with the 'rents it was time to head back to the ocean and palm trees.

CHAPTER 7:
Disney: A family place.
Not a family MAKING place.
---------------------------------
When I got back to L.A. Valerie took me to Disney Land, home of the world's largest parking structure...who's floors are covered with blood and puke stains.
I would also imagine it houses more bamboo than any other place in the world, excluding zoo's and bamboo forests.
I tried my hardest to not be cynical about the whole experience...I think I did an OK job...? (She never cried, so that's a good sign right?)


We started with the California Adventure park, and NOTHING says adventure like a ferris wheel!
Right?
Now. You may say, "Awww, but it's so romantic!" I would not be one to disagree. Unfortunately Disney doesn't hire based on thoughtfulness, so we were put in the same "cage" as 3 other kids, making it about as romantic as...a husband and wife stuck in a cage with their 3 kids.
I can't complain though because Valerie held her own in a great game of grab-ass while we were waiting in line.


The view was bitchin' though. And you can't beat wearing a t-shirt and sunglasses while looking at this on a brisk January day!


The Tower of Terror. (As seen from a ferris wheel.)


So yeah, Tower of Terror, perhaps the most bitchin'-est ride in the whole park. Hell...in most any park?
Now, the one in Florida IS a little better, BUT, factor in the combined Grab-ass in Line of Terror and Florida had a run for it's money.
At least this ride had a dimly lit line?


We wandered into some forest adventure thing...basically a giant forest playground for small kids, complete with fish net bridges, caves, and tires on ropes (built to make their bones stronger via collision?).


Valerie spent her time looking for bears. I spent mine looking for unmarked vans handing out free candy.


After 50 years Disney finally admits you really DO need alcohol to have fun.


Once we finished up the California Adventure we headed over to Disney Land, the first stop being Space Mountain. Well. The line for Space Mountain. Well. Space Mountain Grab-ass.
I'll admit, my mind was still on California Adventure, with rides like "Maliboomer," and "Mullholland Madness." I couldn't figure out if the park was geared towards residence of southern California, or towards tourists that knew way too much about southern California.


Soon after, we decided to try out the line for the Haunted Mansion.


In fact, this was the initial reason Valerie wanted to take me, since the ride was converted to "Nightmare Before Christmas" for the holiday season.


"Nightmare Before Christmas" and this girl. I was a happy boy.


The whole time we were playing Haunted Mansion Grab-ass I was humming "This is Halloween."


I was pretty impressed by the ride. I expected it to be the typical haunted mansion ride with a few cheap references to "Nightmare." This was NOT the case. They completely gutted the whole mansion and converted it to a black light themed "Nightmare" land.
It was super-sweet.


The Pirates of the Caribbean ride was pretty damn impressive too. I definitely want my house to be like that ride...complete with fake ocean.
When we got off the Pirate's ride Valerie showed me where the Club 33 was. I had read about it before, but didn't know where to find it. If you don't know about it you should check out this link, it's an interesting story:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Club_33


After feeding me meat on sticks (what can I say, the girl knows her way to my heart) we headed over to the Indiana Jones ride.


"Snakes! I HATE snakes!"
Dr. Jones was a pussy.


Us in front of the Disney castle.


Valerie was sad because we missed the fireworks while we were stuck in like for Indiana Jones. I think it turned out that they didn't do fireworks that night...it was agreed we'll have to go back to see them sometime.
Yeah, that's the castle. It just has the Xmas decorations on...I guess Griswald got to it?


Waiting to go on our first cruise :)
(Jungle Cruise)


So obviously I didn't mention the other million rides we went on, but we did every cool ride there was between the two parks. I even kicked Val's ass on the Buzz Lightyear Laser-gun ride.
Ok, not really, it was closed. So that was the one thing we didn't get to do.
It was neat just following Valerie around the park though, since she's a long-standing member and ex-employee there was no need for a map. I just held her hand and followed her :)

It was a super awesome day. And we got In-N-Out Burger on the way home. So it was super SUPER awesome.

I heart Valerie.

CHAPTER 8:
The Etc.'s
---------------
Naturally a lot that has happened in my life the past month has been left out, albeit not on purpose, simply because it's too much to remember.
Bits and pieces of these forgotten things are going to Mucho Mas with Chris, Zak and Tony. Chris having his B-Day party. Going to Mucho Mas again last night with Tony, Zak and Valerie. Beating Half Life 2, Episode 1, Episode 2, and Portal as well as a good portion of Call of Duty 4. Of course, spending countless hours laying around with Valerie, I think she's been over about 12 out of the 14 days I've been back in L.A. since Reno.

Hung out in Long Beach the other day. Every time I go there I feel like I'm stepping through the looking glass into a life that once was.

Trivia night was revived last week, and Steve and I have started a tradition of going to Brennan's for turtle racing.


Yes. As in, racing reptiles.


Our turtle won it's first round. Steve, being our team representative, went up to grab our prize out of the bag. It was some nice black briefs.


There are only two major rules at the turtle race.
Rule #1: When you place the turtle down to race you aren't allowed to bend at your knees (obviously this is geared more towards the females of the crowd).
Rule #2: NO POINTING AT THE TURTLES!!!

I also went with Don to get his tattoo a couple days ago. The following are pictures from the shop.









Gotta love the tattoo crowd eh?

And finally, here are some pics of downtown Burbank, where I now live.






I hate to cut this short, but as per usual- life calls. Valerie is laying on my couch, patiently. Don is waiting for me to come drink at Shortstop, and Steve is waiting at the Beanery?
Let us hope I can keep this blog thing under control eh?